Ready or not, it is training time.

It has been quite a while since I have been on here.  I just haven't felt like I had much to say that was very interesting...although some people have suggested I blog about the crazy things I see at work as an ER nurse.  Haha!  Some days that would make for interesting reading!

I have been an ER nurse now for a year and 8 months.  Wow.  I remember when I was graduating nursing school.  And many of you remember when I was in college.  Some people I have run into at church back home think I'm STILL in college.

I have caught up with some people recently who have wondered what I have been up to and whether I "still want to do the missions thing".  I haven't been very good about sending updates, but until recently there hasn't really been any interesting or note worthy updates.  I was accepted by a sending organization last summer.  For those of you who haven't walked through the process or known anyone who has, preparing to go overseas as a long-term missionary is a looong process.  And not always an exciting one.  Some weeks it feels like I am doing all this work and getting nowhere in the process.  But the past several months there have been some exciting things going on.

I have been in contact with several teams overseas about the possibility of joining them on the field, but at this point I am unsure of exactly when my anticipated launch date will be.  There are multiple factors that contribute to that, some expected and others surprising and unexpected.  I have learned time and time again that when I get too attached to my own timeline, God decides it is time to shake things up and change my plans!  Keepin' me humble and dependent.

Thankfully for the sake of my planning impulses, there are a few things set in stone.  One of those things is my training school.  I fly out of Texas on Sunday morning to spend 2 weeks doing intensive training classes and preparation with my sending organization.  I am excited for the next 2 weeks as I have been preparing for it for a while now.  Lets just say being out of school made it difficult to get back in the swing of doing homework and required reading.  But the Lord has given me joy and blessings even through my homework.

While I am looking forward to what God has in store for me in the next 2 weeks, I am also terrified.  To be completely honest, I have been having doubts and feelings of inadequacy that get stronger each day.  It seems silly to admit because I know the truths of scripture that speak against those lies and fears.  Yet the feelings are still there and very real.  So all that I know to do is pray and cling to Jesus to be my strength.

I would be so thankful for your prayers in this.  For peace and rest in the Father.  For a spirit of enthusiasm and humility as I seek to learn and grow.  For wisdom and discernment as I listen to the Holy Spirit.  For discipline and a heart of obedience as I put into action the things I soak up.  For a growing, deepening passion to see God glorified in all the earth.  And most of all, for a heart that yearns for more of Jesus, a passionate longing for Him in the rawest sense, to the point of pleading on my knees in tears to know Him intimately.

The gospel in adoption

It's been a long time - 4 months since my last post.  A whole lot can happen in 4 months.  And a lot HAS happened in the past 4 months.  I wish I could say most of the change was for the better, but I'm not sure that would be true.

I had such big plans for the last few months of this year - to dig into scripture on a deeper level, begin hosting a small discipleship group, find a missions sending agency, begin planning my next trip overseas, get plugged in to a new outlet to serve others, learn to play the guitar, take self defense classes.  I had all these plans to be intentional about growing in my faith and making strides in this process of moving overseas.  But none of those things happened, and that is really upsetting.  What is even more upsetting is that I feel like I have drifted far from Christ in recent months.  I have not taken the kind of time to spend with Him that I should have.  I have not grown in knowledge and intimacy with Christ.  In fact, I have allowed sin to creep back into my life that had not been a struggle in years.  And that kills me.  All because I became lazy and complacent.  I don't know about y'all, but it is hard to remain intentional with my time and energy every day. And once you are in that place of complacency and struggle, the guilt can become difficult to bear.  You blame yourself and let the shame accumulate, wondering how you could have let it come to this.  It leaves this uneasy, nauseous feeling in my gut that ruminates there without end.

But a couple weeks ago God began to grab my attention and give me sweet reminders of His truth.

He reminded me of the last time I allowed guilt and shame to define my life - how horribly miserable I was.  And then He reminded me of the gospel - the message of His only Son that was brought into this world as a humble babe in a lowly stable to live a flawless life, love, teach, heal, and then to bear the suffocating weight of the sins of the world and die a brutal death on a cross so that he could overcome death, ascend to fellowship with his Heavenly Father, and be the Redeemer that we so long for who grants forgiveness of sins and reunites us with our Creator, Father, King.  To experience His glorious grace, the forgiveness of my sins, the redemption of my wrecked soul is truly like nothing else I have ever known.

One of the most beautiful pictures of the gospel that I have ever seen in this life is in my own family - adoption.

The whole process of adoption is an example of God's love for his children.  And boy, it is a long process!  The waiting, wondering, and praying before you can be united as a family only make you long for your children even more as your love for them becomes so great you think your heart may burst.  But God shows His goodness even in the moments of waiting and longing.  Then when the moment finally arrives when you are united as a family, it is a precious time filled with smiles and lots of love.  I will never forget when my dad sat us all down on our first day together as a family and told the boys how excited we were to be with them. "Leanne and I would like for you to call us Mom and Dad whenever you are ready, but it you don't want to right now then that's okay."  Ethan immediately responded, "Mom and Dad are good with me."  "Yeah, me too", Exavier said with a smile.  For that first weekend together, the next visit after that, and eve when they finally came to live at the house, my heart would smile every time I heard them say "Mom and Dad".  At first you could tell they found reasons just to say it.  They were just as excited as we were to finally be a family.

uscielski

     [From L to R] Kelsey, Laney, Exavier, Leanne, Ethan, Kendall, and Kent Anderson.
    Family photo by Kathy Chruscielski

Adjusting to life with a 7-year-old and 10-year-old in the house was not all butterflies and rainbows.  Let me assure you of that.  There were bumpy moments along the way, but even in those moments I could see the gospel being played out.  Ethan and Exavier had only been with us a few weeks when we were all outside playing kickball one afternoon.  Exavier was swinging on a lamp post that served as first base.  My dad told him not to swing on the lamp post more than once, but of course most 7-year-old boys have to learn the hard way not to do things.  Suddenly, one of the glass panels in the lamp came loose and shattered on the ground, startling Exavier.  My dad ran over to him to see if he was alright, and his voice became more stern, "That is why I told you not to swing on the lamp post.  You could break something and hurt yourself."  Exavier began to cry and ran over to sit by a tree away from my parents.  My mom went over to him to console him, and a few moments later my dad went over to him as well.  I heard them explaining to him, "You need to obey us when we tell you something.  We didn't want you to get hurt.  But we still love you even when you disobey.  You are always going to be a part of this family even when you do something you aren't supposed to.  We will always love you just the same no matter what you do."

To think that those same words are true of God's relationship with me brings me to my knees with repentance, thankfulness, and humility.

And then there was the adoption day in court.  The boys had been part of our family for over 6 months, but this was the day that it would finally be made legal in the eyes of the state.  All 7 of us drove down in our 7-passenger Suburban (talk about being close!) to the city where they had lived previously where the adoption finalization would take place.  That morning we all got dressed up for court, excited for the day that was ahead of us.  There were close friends and family with us at the court house that day.  None of us could hide our excitement.  Even court attendants made comments to us, "I have never seen this much happiness and excitement in one place."  When they called for us to go in, we all packed into the small court room.  My mom started crying as my parents promised to love and care for Ethan and Exavier forever.  The judge declared Ethan and Exavier an official part of the Anderson family.  It was something that had happens long before that moment, but it was now official.  As we walked out of the court room, Exavier wanted me to pick him up as he always does.  Ethan turned to look at me and asked, "So this means I am an Anderson forever?"  "Yes!  That is what is means.", I responded.  "Yes!!", he cheered with a big smile on his face.  Exavier's response was a little different but still so touching.  He had his head buried in my shoulder, and I asked him if he was okay.  He just nodded his head, and I realized he was crying.  I told him to took at me and asked him, "What's wrong, buddy?"  He had tears running down his cheeks as he told me, "I'm just really happy."  He hugged me tighter, and I couldn't help but cry.  It was all such a beautiful picture of the love and joy of when a family comes together - when a parent can say "You are mine forever" and when a child can rest in knowing that they belong to a family forever.  The joy and peace that comes over everyone at that moment is indescribable.

Through all of this and still now I have seen my parents display the kind of redeeming, unconditional love that God has for each of His children time and time again.  They show the utmost patience, gentle understanding, and loving discipline that we see in scripture as part of God's character.

There are time when I forget or doubt my identity in Christ as a child of God, but Ephesians 1: 5 says "God decided in advance to adopt us into his family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ.  This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure." I am His forever.  I am a child of God, but I can be stubborn, difficult, and unruly at times.  It is a comfort to this wayward child that no matter my disobedience, neglect, or selfishness, Jesus' forgiveness is never out of my reach, God's love can never be exhausted, and my identity as a child of God will remain forever.

Life as a Real Nurse

It has been almost 2 months since I became an ER nurse.  And after countless hours of studying, jumping through hoops, wading through all the bureaucratic mumbo jumbo, and taking a trip down to south Austin for my NCLEX (National Council Licensure Exam), I can finally sign my name:

I have learned so much in the past 7 weeks but still feel like such a newbie every time I walk through those ambulance bay doors.  God has taught me so much this summer, it is difficult to process it all much less try putting it into words.  I'll stick to my experiences at work for now.

Every day at work I encounter ALL different kinds of people - those that are frustrated, in pain, perfectly fine, manipulative, lying through their teeth, honest, understanding, arrogant, uncooperative, unresponsive, screaming, combative, mentally altered, spitting and cussing, encouraging, sweet, pleasant, entertaining, critical, sarcastic, dramatic, whiny.  You name it.  And each of those people - whether patients, visitors, family members, nurses, physicians, or other staff members - are a beloved child of God.  The Lord reminds me of that daily.  I underestimated how difficult it can be at times to maintain that focus when all I want to do is say, "Are you kidding me" as I roll my eyes.  But then the gracious Lord gives me a little extra love and changes my heart more each day.  I want to be like Jesus when he saw the lost, lonely, and sick and his first reaction was to have compassion on them.

No matter how overwhelming, busy, difficult, tear-jerking, or frustrating my shift may be, I always leave more dependent on the Lord than when I arrived.  I am humbled by all kinds of situations I encounter.  Sometimes I mess up. A lot of times I feel clueless or stupid.  I am slower at some things so I can get behind more easily.  I get scared when my patients are very sick.  I ask lots of questions which I'm sure gets annoying.  I set my expectations high, and I can be too hard on myself.  I tend to take things personally which can be bad when someone is upset & in pain.  I'm still very sensitive to some of my patients' stories & outcomes which is emotionally taxing, but I'm learning to find that balance.  All these things leave me in a place of weakness and dependence.  Only the Lord can be my strength, patience, love, and compassion because I have learned pretty well that I cannot be those things on my own.

Learning surrender, dependence, humility, and compassion is hard.  But I am more & more convinced that God is the only one who can take the most painful, hurtful, trying, difficult things in life and make them into something extraordinary.

Entering the uncomfortable

The Lord has called each of us to something spectacular - to glorify God with all we have and all we are.  Sometimes it doesn't feel very spectacular or profound.  Sometimes we can even be disappointed in where God has called us.  Often times when that is the case it is because we have given in to our self-centered human nature.  Glorifying God is not about what we want, what makes us happy or comfortable, or what is most convenient.  It is about humble service to others, intimacy with the Lord, being satisfied in Christ, and many times being uncomfortable.  It seems like the way I see God work over & over in my life is to push me to a place of complete discomfort and watch as it draws me nearer to Him.  I pray that one day the time will come when I have such intimacy with the Lord that my comfort or discomfort is no longer defined by my environment or circumstances but by dwelling in the presence of God.

This week I entered a new calling the Lord has brought me to - one that is unfamiliar and uncomfortable.  I started work as a nurse intern in the Emergency Department at Scott & White Memorial.

No, I will not have to boil my drinking water, learn to use a squatty potty, live with out air conditioning, or sleep under a mosquito net every night.  But I will encounter a new set of challenges.  I will see injustice, poverty, and abuse of many kinds.  I will struggle with judgement and pray for a heart full of mercy and compassion to each of my patients.  There are times I will be exhausted, put out, overwhelmed, and anxious.  I will be reminded of my weakness in the flesh.  I will be humbled, grow in patience, and hold tight to the grace of God.

God likes to change our plans.  I know I'm not the only one who can testify to that.  Instead of be frustrated with where you are right now, wishing things were different, or resisting the change, look ahead to the unexpected ways God is going to challenge you, grow you, and satisfy you more than any earthly thing you could want.  Don't get me wrong.  I am not saying it is all rainbows and roses.  Growth is difficult.  Being changed into the image of Christ is hard.  Dealing with pride, anger, selfishness, self-righteousness, complacency,  laziness, entitlement, and all the other sin in each of our hearts is painful.  Being put in a place of total reliance on the Lord can be scary.  But anything less than striving hard after God would be frivolous in comparison.

The constant in all the chaos

If I had to sum up the past couple months in one phrase...

A GLORIOUS WHIRLWIND OF CHANGE.

College graduation has come and gone.  It was a wonderful day of celebration with the sweet people in my life who have supported, loved, and encouraged me over the past 4 years.  I have a job as a nurse in the Emergency Department at Scott & White and will begin my internship on June 18th.  I have moved into a cozy, little apartment in Temple, finally finished unpacking, and have begun studying for my NCLEX nursing licensure exam.  But the days following graduation have not been what I expected.

Although this transition has been new & exciting, many days have been filled with loneliness, disappointment, frustration, guilt, exhaustion, uncertainty, doubt, and sadness.  I felt distant from God - at times for reasons I well know and other times for reasons I do not understand.  You know that feeling when it seems like you are so far gone from the Lord when just a few days before He seemed so near to your heart walking you through each moment - it is a horrible place to be.  I'm not sure how to describe it.  I just seemed to dwell in a state of frustrating discontentment every moment of every day.  And I hated it.

I have had days when I was discontent with everything about myself.  Days when I yearned to be on my way to a beautiful reunion with my precious babies in Uganda.  Days when I was so disgusted with my sinful self that I thought I might throw up.  Days when my shame  made me want to crawl under a rock and never come out.  Days when I felt wounded and broken.  Days when I was confused and overwhelmed wondering what will happen next.  Days when I was impatient, ungrateful, and just plain rude.  Days when my mouth seemed to have no filter and my heart seemed to have no grace.

I think we all have those times.

But just in the past few days the Lord has begun to show me his work in all this.

Sometimes I allow myself to entertain the illusion that I have things under control.  And oh, is that such an illusion!  If I was in control, my life would be one huge mess.  So really it is a blessing when the Lord allows things to happen that aren't according to my plan.  I need to be reminded of my complete dependence on the Lord.  For me that needs to be a frequent reminder because sometimes I try to be super woman.

I am such a wretched, evil person apart from Christ inside me.  It can be easy to forget that everything of me that is good, lovely, and noble is Jesus.  That self righteousness starts creeping inside my heart, and I don't even notice it.  But God does.  So in a way it is even a blessing to be faced with temptation as a reminder that only the Holy Spirit flourishing in my heart can overcome those selfish desires of my flesh.  There are times when those worldly desires get the best of me, and my human nature tries to push aside the overwhelming conviction I am faced with.  I have known that to happen too many times in my life, and, thank the Lord, the conviction will always become too great to ignore.  Enter: GRACE.  Oh, how sweet it is to know the truth of God's unconditional love and cleansing grace.  There is truly nothing in all this world like being forgiven of our transgressions and covered by grace, to feel the weight of guilt and disdain washed away only to be filled with joy, thanksgiving, and love.

As for the rest of life outside myself, I have even less control over any of that.  Circumstances can be turned around in an instant.  If I allow my attitude, my actions, or my life to be defined by whether life is running according to my plans, then I will be in for a world of hurt.  Whether I have to live on a tight budget, I have to do something I don't particularly enjoy, or I can't take my licensure exam as soon as I would like, God is still sovereign, and I am still called to live a life of worship that reflects Christ in all I do.

So I think in all the expected and unexpected, the Lord is showing me that no matter how much life changes, He will always be God, I will always be called above all else to seek & serve Him with my life, and I will always be dependent on Him to fulfill that calling.

An unexpected turn of events

It has been a while since I announced the wonderful news that God was leading me to move to Uganda and serve as a nurse. This period of silence on my part has not gone unnoticed. In fact, if I am honest I have been putting off writing this to you for a few weeks now but not for sake of busyness or procrastination. God has been doing some powerful, overwhelming things in my life that left me confused. But the time has come to share it with you, my sweet friends and wonderful family in Christ.

I can say that in the past couple months my love for the Lord has grown so great that my little heart wants to burst, and with that the love I have for my precious children in Uganda has only increased. I have not ceased to receive emails and messages anticipating my arrival. Several weeks ago the oldest of the girls, Fauziya, asked if she could have a cell phone. Mama Sara told her, "Fauziya, you don't need a phone! You don't have anyone to call. What would you do with it?" And Fauziya responded in a matter-of-fact tone, "I need to call Aunt Kelsey so I can tell her to hurry and come home." Oh, how I love each of those adorable little ones! I long to wrap my arms around them, hear their laughter fill the air, and kiss them each goodnight. That love the Lord has given me, the way He has knit my hearts with theirs as family, it has all made these recent days very trying. But the Lord has shown me that I must never forget He has filled me with His love so that I might glorify Him. Sometimes it can be easy to get caught up in emotions and lose sight of our sole purpose.

Love means obedience - obedience when it is frustrating, confusing, difficult, and even gut-wrenching. So it is only by the grace of God and his ever-increasing love inside me that I have submitted to God's guidance in my life. Through multiple separate instances that occurred very suddenly and within just a couple days of each other, I was forced to reevaluate my decision to move to Uganda after graduation. My church leadership and several sources of respected, godly counsel in my life have presented strong concerns about me moving to Uganda so soon. These people include physicians, nurses, parents, pastors, and dear friends who feel very strongly that I will be missing out on needed nursing experience as well as family time bonding with my newly adopted little brothers. So it is with a heavy heart and many tears that I have decided to remain in Texas for at least another year or two - whenever it is that the Lord is ready to launch me into a third world nation unreached with nursing care and the great news of Jesus Christ.

One of the many beautiful things about God is that He is so faithful to be our joy, comfort, and peace in the hardest time. I love experiencing God answer prayers, and that is just what He has done when He fills me with joy that otherwise would not be. I have come to know a joy and peace that are so much deeper than the lingering sadness from present circumstances. And I thank God because that is purely Jesus.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

What a faithfulness and glorious God we serve!

So, I know one of the next questions you probably want to know. What am I going to do now? Well, I am just a day away from completing and submitting job applications for 3 nursing internships: Scott & White Children's Hospital Emergency Department, Scott & White Children's Hospital acute care floor, and Scott & White Memorial Emergency Department (That's the big people hospital. Not kids.) I hope to be offered one of those internships and live in Temple. Then after beginning my nursing job I will start actively praying and searching for where the Lord would have me move overseas. So that's my tentative plan. It scares me to say it too many times because I think I can almost hear God chuckling up there. "Your plans, Kelsey. Haha! Just you wait and see what I have in store for you, my daughter." Whatever it is, I know it will be far more fabulous than I could ever imagine!

An answered prayer for an anxious heart

Here's a crazy cool God story for you.

Saturday evening, January 7th I got back to my apartment at UMHB after being home for a month, and all of a sudden as I sat alone in my apartment I got really homesick. I know. It sounds silly. I got a little teary-eyed, and then the thought popped in my hear, "How much more am I going to miss my family when I'm thousands of miles away from them for so long?" I started bawling in the middle of my apartment by myself, and the waterworks continued for quite a while. I started thinking, "Oh my goodness, what did I get myself into? Did I just make a huge mistake? God, what if this wasn't your plan? What if everything at Passion was my own emotions?" All these doubts started running through my mind. If this was a mistake then God isn't going to provide, and that will just show everyone that I'm being crazy and irresponsible.

After letting my mind run away with me for a little while, I decided I should pull out my Bible. Always a good idea =) So I spent a good amount of time sitting in the quiet stillness of my apartment praying and reading scripture. I read Psalm 34. It begins, "I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak his praises. I will boast only in the Lord; let all who are helpless take heart. Come, let us tell of the Lord's greatness; let us exalt his name together. I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces." And David continues on praising God for his goodness and proclaiming his faithfulness to his children. He speaks of our Heavenly Father as our refuge and protection, urging us to cry out to his because he hears us and cares for us. What a beautiful passage! It spoke to my doubting heart and calmed my fears just as the Lord promised. So I told God, "I know you are the one sending me to Uganda, and I know you will provide. But God, I just need some reassurance."

Fast forward two days later to Monday afternoon. The first day of class is over. One of my former instructors sees me visiting in another professor's office. She comes in, hands me a sealed envelope, and simply says, "That is for you. My mother wanted to give it to you before you left to Uganda for the summer but forgot. So that is for when you go back." I found that off with all things considered. At that point she would not have known I was already planning to move back after graduation. Surprised and a little confused, I graciously thanked her several times. Once I left the nursing building, I opened the envelope to find a check dated New Year's Eve (right before I arrived at the Passion 2012 Conference) written to me for $500 from a woman I have never met. And at that moment I felt God whisper to me deep down in my heart "See. I am faithful to provide for my children. I am faithful to provide for my will."

It gives me chills every time I think about it. Isn't that wonderful?!?! God is so good. I haven't even made the first effort to start raising funds. Bye golly, I hadn't hardly told anyone yet. But God, in his goodness, laid it on a sweet woman's heart to write out a check for $500 before he even spoke peace into my heart about moving in Uganda.