I want to make a baby!

Here are some of my favorite moments here so far.

- Teaching the kids how to two-step to country music this weekend. They especially liked the twirling.

- Watching the kids' excitement at learning how to make s'mores.

- Rainy afternoons cuddled up on the couch with the kids watching movies.

- When all the the kids are laying in bed at night calling for me to come give them good night kisses. And then they give me a kiss back and tell me "I love you, Mama Kelsey".

- Watching the kids eat slippery spaghetti noodles when Michelle & I cook spaghetti for dinner. It makes me laugh every time.

- Sewing with the girls as they patiently watch me and wait to help.

- Picking out their church clothes on Saturday night andthen dressing them up all cute in the morning! The boys' sweater vests have to be my favorite.

- When Michelle & I took our first day off. We took a boda boda (motorcycle taxi) into town and spent the morning shopping at an African market. Then we had lunch at the Garden City mall, came back home, and watched a movie for the afternoon. I had so much fun enjoying the company of my wonderful roommate =)

- There are lots more, but I'll stop there for now.

I love these kids so much it's ridiculous!

Best kids' quotes:

6. "Aunt Kelsey, Enkuba is coming! Enkuba is coming!" -Esther. Enkuba means rain. Esther will run up to me all excited yelling this as it's pouring rain outside. I always laugh and tell her, "Umm I think the rain is already here."

5. "I want to eat brownie & popcorn, and then watch movie and sit on my pillow. I want to do that again, Aunt Kelsey." -Oscar. We had a movie night, and Oscar really enjoyed it. He thought sitting on his pillow when we made a pallet was so cool!

4. Jerom's accent is absolutely precious. My favorites are the way he says freckle - "furkle" - and he pronounces my name "Aunt Kelotsey".

3. "Aunt Kelsey, I love you." -Oscar. The reason I love this so much is because he was taking his dishes to the kitchen and stopped just to tell me that. And the beautiful smile on his face made it that much better!

2. "You mama. Mama Kelsey." -Annet. I'm a mama now =)

1. "I want to make a baby, Aunt Kelsey!" -Oscar. We were playing with their new play dough, and I had made a baby out of play dough for Annet.

Love is patient.

For the past 2 weeks God has begun teaching me about LOVE in a whole new way.

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient..."

K, stop there. I'm sure many of you could continue reciting the rest of 1 Corinthians 13 by heart. It is a wonderful, powerful passage that challenges me with every word to change the way I relate to the world. I wrote before about how God was speaking to me about my faith. My prayer is to have a faith in the Lord that can move mountains, and it references that very thing at the beginning of 1 Corinthians 13. It doesn't matter if I have faith to move mountains, I could have faith to shatter entire galaxies, but if I haven't loved others with the same love that Christ has shown me, faith means nothing. Wow. Powerful.

So about 2 weeks ago after I studied that passage I began praying this passage.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with the power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpassed knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of Christ." Ephesians 3:16-19

No extra explanation needed.

So as I have been praying to be filled to overflowing with the unconditional love and everlasting joy of Christ that comes through the Holy Spirit, I have continued to study and contemplate the verses that follow in 1 Corinthians 13. And that brings me to the portion I stopped at.

"Love is patient."

I have never considered myself a particularly impatient person. But you never know a person's true character until you turn up the heat and watch how they respond. So I think that's what God decided to do to me. (Literally! I'm practically sweating all the time.)

Yesterday marked 5 weeks that I have been here in Uganda. After 5 weeks, things aren't all flowers, rainbows, and smiley faces all the time. I feel at home here, and I love that. But being at home has its up sides and down sides. I said I never saw myself as particularly impatient, but my patience has never been tested like it has these past 5 weeks. Anyone who knows me knows I have plenty of experience working with kids in lots of different settings - childcare, preschool, swim lessons, VBS, summer camp. But none of those involve living with almost a dozen kids 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for 5 weeks. This is a new experience for me.

There are many moments each day I find myself stopping to ask the Lord for the same patient and gracious love He shows me. And it is beautiful watching how God changes my heart. The same tasks that were grating on my nerves become a delight to me. The things that made me want to pull my hair out now seem humorous.

Changing the sheets after Don wets his bed is a chance to see how helpful he can be making his bed and an opportunity to dote on him for a job well done. Picking up toys is a time to sing together and work as a team, and then everyone gets a high-five when it's done. Helping the kids get dressed shows me more of their individual personalities when Esther wants something purple, Brenda wants to be different, and Fauziya doesn't care as long as I say it looks pretty. Folding laundry with the little kids becomes a fun game of matching pajama tops & bottoms. Brushing teeth is always crazy, but most of the time the kids will behave when they know they'll get good night kisses from Aunt Kelsey once they get in bed. When I find one of the kids eating rocks or keeping the rest of their breakfast sausage in their pocket for later, I can laugh about it and loving correct them. The girls are learning when they calmly stand next to my chair and watch me sew, they get to cut the thread and press the reverse button on the machine.

For the past 7 days the power has been out at least 10 hours every day, if not more. Something that might seem to become increasingly frustrating. But instead God has given me an appreciation for candle-lit dinners, a new affinity for spending hours reading by flashlight, and thankfulness for the few hours that power is available.

11 little children can create a large amount of noise. It seems that someone is always crying or whining about something. Everyone is hyperactive and eager to be as close to Aunt Kelsey as possible whether that means pulling, pushing, tugging, or climbing. Add the beating afternoon sun of Uganda to this equation, and you've got a potential for disaster. Or imagine trying to find clothes to fit 5 naked boys with no power, no light, wet towels flying every which way, and screaming from all directions. Assisting with homework can also be quite the challenge. The kids bring home homework that never really makes sense to me. It's all hand-written, and when I ask them, "So what are you supposed to do?" they just look up at me with a blank stare. Last night I tried in vain for half an hour to teach Joshua how to read the words cut, but, gun, pug, fuss, mud, bud, and gut.

I say all this with gladness because I have come to rejoice in the truth that when impatience threatens to get the best of me, the Holy Spirit is greater than all my frustrations. He fills me with abounding joy and love that overcomes impatience.

To have faith that moves mountains.

I am going to attempt to explain some of what God has been at work teaching me during the past several weeks. Bear with me, as I'm sure many of you can agree, I don't think any words can fully describe the workings of God.

My heart and head having been always working in the recent weeks, trying to work out all that my Heavenly Father is teaching me. Then I remember that it is not through my own works & will that I will come to know a changed heart but only through the power of the Holy Spirit in me will this work be carried to completion (Philippians 1:6).

Since my departure from the States 4 weeks ago, I have been seeking the Lord with one question always at the forefront of my thoughts. "So, God, I am here. Finally in Uganda. As I seek to serve you by serving others, how would you have me changed?" Little did I know what a loaded question that was.

As I began reading through the gospels, I found myself convicted by many things. "Maybe I'm reading through this too quickly," I thought. "The more I read each day, the more I feel like a failure. There are so many things in my heart & actions to be changed." But I kept reading and just accepted this oppressive weight of failure that seemed to grow each day as I read.

One thing stuck out above all else. Faith.

"Because you believed it has happened."

"Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!"

"Because of your faith it will happen."

"Your faith has made you well."

"You have so little faith. Why did you doubt me?"

"Your faith is great. Your request is granted."

"You don't have enough faith. I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from there to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible."

Time and again people are given as they ask because of their faith. And time and again Jesus rebukes his disciples, the very men who lived life alongside Jesus, for their lack of faith. This brought me to an uncomfortable place of self-examination.

Do I have faith enough that Jesus might heal me?

Do I have faith that can move mountains?

Or do I doubt and fear and discredit the power of Jesus that he would rebuke me for having small faith?

I like to think I always have an unwavering faith in my Lord, but I know this not to be true. I doubt. I fear. But my heart's desire is to dwell in a place of such intimate fellowship with God that my faith, hope, and joy can be in nothing apart from the very Creator and Sustainer himself. Then how to do that? How does one go about increasing their faith? How does one come to such a place? In my mind, the answer must be complex and difficult. But, as I came to discover, it is actually quite simple.

The Lord brought me to this passage in the book Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret some days after I began seeking for an answer.

"To let my loving Savior work in me him will, my sanctification, is what I would live for by his grace. Abiding, not striving nor struggling; looking off unto him; trusting him for present power;...resting in the love of an almighty Savior, in the joy of a complete salvation, 'from all sin' - this is not new, and yet 'tis new to me...How then to have our faith increased? Only by thinking of all that Jesus is and all he is for us: his life, his death, his work, he himself as revealed to us in the word, to be the subject of our constant thoughts. Not a striving to have faith...but a looking off to the faithful one seems all we need; a resting in the loved one entirely, for time and for eternity."

To abide in Christ. It sounds so glorious and yet so obscure.

That is when the Lord revealed to me in a new light the verse I have forever written on my wrist - "For I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live but Christ lives in me. And the life I live now in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20. My worldly, sinful self has been crucified, put to death. But the wonderful news of the gospel is that although I am dead, our Lord Jesus Christ is alive and kickin' inside me! Daily as I die to myself, only Christ living in me, the Holy Spirit, should be seen by the world. I am just a humbled and surrendered vessel by which the Spirit can work. So as I live each day here on earth I can live by faith in the Son of God who is alive inside of me - dwelling within me. The Holy Spirit dwells in me, and so I can rest in Him and His mighty power. I couldn't ask for a more intimate mingling with God, an intertwining of beings. And this makes me yearn all the more to fellowship with God in prayer and stillness as I rest in His presence, to awake during the early hours of the morning beaming with joy at the thought of spending more time with my God. Not only to know the Heavenly Father more deeply through prayer, but also to search His Holy Word left to us that I might grow in my knowledge of His character, works, commands, and example in Jesus Christ, this is my blessed privilege. Through these things I am learning now more than ever the joy of abiding in Christ.

When there are no words

I have so many things to say and feel like I have no words to express them.

A summary of my past 2 weeks:

Played with lots of babies at Sanyu Babies' Home.

Walked through the largest slum in Kampala. What an eye-opening, heart-breaking experience.

Got kicked out of a Ugandan hospital.

Visited a rehabilitation center for disabled children.

Did some grocery shopping and experienced my first open-air market in Africa.

Rode 6 hours one-way to finally meet my sweet Compassion child, Emitu Leonard, and his family.

Spoke to a crowd of over 400 Ugandan children and many of their parents. With no heads up.

Got the chance to be the first white person ever seen by probably over a hundred children. Talk about staring.

Ate fried ants. Tasted kinda like sunflower seeds.

Saw the beginning of the Nile River. Absolutely beautiful.

Rode another 6 hours one-way through the breath-taking scenery of western Uganda.

Saw antelopes, water boar, Cape buffalo, wart hogs, a lion, hippos, crocodiles, monkeys, zebras, and a grand total of over 37 elephants. I know you're jealous, Katie.

Was in both the northern & southern hemispheres at the SAME time.

Learned to make chapatis (who knows if I spelled that right).

Baked cookies with 11 children.

Watched Princess and the Frog for the first time...and the second, third, fourth, and fifth times.

Play dough, sidewalk chalk outlines, the Hokey Pokey, Bible memory verses, coloring pages, relay races, spaghetti, pancakes, organizing toys, sorting clothes, and plenty of first aid. I can't decide if I'm feeling more like a preschool teacher or a mom.

I'm not going to lie. Despite all the wonderful excitement and new experiences, I have been struggling with some home sickness. I think it's just the realization of how long I am actually going to be here. And it is just beginning which can be upsetting and exciting at the same time. But God is so faithful to overcome my homesickness with joy in Him and His wonderful works - the works of His hands through creation, the reflection of His image through a child, the reminder of His faithfulness through the prayers of so many people. And He always brings me back to the purpose for which He has called me here - for His glory and namesake which is far greater than my desire for comfort or even my love for family.

In all this, my heart has been...waiting. Waiting on the Lord and searching. But searching for what, I'm not sure. It's hard to put into words. Through reading the gospels and going through a weekly study called Gospel in Life by Timothy Keller, God has been opening my eyes to so many things. And then through my experiences here in Uganda, God is teaching me something every day. I am trying to take it all in and process everything, but I guess my heart & mind are overwhelmed, not in a bad way. Just overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by God - His grace, His love, His power, His compassion, His heart, His call on me. It leaves me all very humbled. And speechless.

So for now I will just continue each morning to devote my days to the Lord and seek Him in all things, through all things, and for all things. And I trust that, although I may not understand right now what God is doing inside of me, it will be glorious and beautiful.

First Days in Africa.

I don't even know what to say. I must admit I have felt like one big emotional mess the past week. I have this knack for completely losing it in airports, and that didn't fail me on Wednesday & Thursday as I traveled. But the Lord is always so faithful to pour out His peace & joy on me.

I'm here. In Uganda. It still blows my mind! I arrived on Friday morning, safe and relatively rested (or so I thought). I kept wondering when it would become reality to me that I was coming to Uganda, and I don't think it happened until the plane landed on the runway and I looked out the window. My heart began to race with excitement, and it took all the self-control I had not to unbuckle my seatbelt right there & run to the front of the plane to be the very first one off.

Joseph & Sara picked me up at the airport, and on the way to the Rafiki Home they told me that the night before they had received two more children, Carol & Don, both 2 1/2 yrs old. I could hardly contain my excitement to meet the kids that I've been praying for and thinking of the past 5 months! As we got closer to the home I felt this nervousness building inside me, but it was a wonderful nervous excitement that makes your whole body shake & your stomach so hyperactive with butterflies you think you might just throw up. The gate opened, and Joseph pulled in & parked the car. "We're here." Before I could get out and walk around the car, I was greeted with hugs by the beautiful smiling faces from the picture hanging on my bulletin board at school. Absolutely surreal moment. I walked inside and sat down on the floor to play with the kids. Before I knew what was going on, I was swarmed by kids! The 2 coolest things about me at that point: my watch that glows & beeps and my long, curly mzungu hair. My white skin comes in a close third behind those. I felt a little like an interactive zoo exhibit as they pulled my wrist every which direction, pulled at my hair, and petted my white arms. But I loved it and wouldn't have wanted anything different. I could see how excited they were, and I was even more excited than all of them combined! We spent the rest of the day playing as I learned their daily routine. Thank the Lord they have rest time in their beds after lunch because I was definitely in need of a nap!

Saturday morning I woke up & took a refreshingly cold shower. Boy, it felt nice to be clean! I came downstairs and didn't have to wait but a few seconds before I was met by lots of little children in their pajamas jumping up & down with excitement to see me. "Good morning, Auntie Kelsey" they all chanted as they pulled at my dress to give me hugs. That put a huge smile on my face =)

On Sunday I went to my first African church service. Joseph, Sara, his brothers Godfry & Moses, and all the kids attend Watoto Church. It is a huge church in Kampala not far from the Rafiki Home. I was surprised to find out it is English-speaking and very excited to discover the building is open-air. Without air conditioning here I feel like I am constantly sweating, but I'm beginning to get used to it. The worst part is going to bed sweating. But anyway, the church service was great! My favorite part was during worship when we sang To Know Your Name. It was amazing to sing a song I know so well with fellow believers in Uganda. Just another wonderful reminder that God is God of all people & all nations.

What a beautiful mess.

First off: Praise the Lord, 100% of my summer is funded! What wonderful news that was to finally hear. I'm not going to lie I got a bit teary-eyed. God has provided in so many unexpected & wonderful ways. The body of Christ is a beautiful thing. I am forever thankful to all the people that gave out of the generosity of their hearts so that God's love & hope may be known & felt by the people whose lives will cross mine in Uganda & Kenya.

Not much longer. Only 10 days and I will be flying to Uganda. Goodness, how the days & weeks have seemed to fly by so quickly. Doesn't is always feel like you're looking back wondering where the time has gone? I am praying that time begins to slow down so I can cherish every moment of this summer.

You know when you're looking forward to something and you try to picture what it will be like in your mind? I have no idea what to picture. I often find myself thinking of the faces of the 9 beautiful orphans I will be living with, but past that I don't know what is in store for me this summer. I'm sure there will be lots of smiles, hugs, joy, laughter, tears, bug spray, baby wipes, sunscreen, bucket showers, medication, rice & beans, dirty feet, sticky mouths, growing, and learning. Oh, the learning. I can hardly wait.

Saying things have been pretty crazy lately would be an understatement. I have been one busy, tired, emotional, worrisome, doubting, confused mess of a person. But now more than ever I have come to appreciate how this beautiful mess is used by God.

The Bible is full of stories of people who were a beautiful mess and how God worked in them & through them for His glory. That is the story of grace.

God doesn't want me to have it all together. He wants me to come to Him each morning when I wake and cling to Him with all that I am for all that I need.

Because if I was never scared I wouldn't need His peace.

If I was never doubtful I wouldn't need His assurance.

If I was need worried I wouldn't need His calm.

If I was never confused I wouldn't need His truth.

If I was never tired I wouldn't need His strength.

If I was never busy I wouldn't need His rest.

If I was never discouraged I wouldn't need Him to lift me up.

So I have learned that it's okay to be all of those things. Because God is greater than it all.

It's those times when I'm a completely broken mess

that I see God in wonderful ways because I need Him.

I need Him, and I know that He is faithful.

He is everything I need.

He is everything you need.

If this is what it takes to live life on my knees in prayer, to need God for every step I take, to know God more intimately than ever before then I don't want to be anything BUT a total & complete mess every day of my life.

2 million orphans, and I live a life of luxury.

The orphanage where I will be spending the summer is now home to two more little girls, Brenda & Esther. They are sisters who were brought out of heartbreaking circumstances. Their mother had abandoned them and left their father to care for the girls. Brenda & Esther were left alone during the day while their father went out in search of work, and at night the girls and their father all slept on a single mat on the dirt floor of their tiny, one-room home. The girls' bellies are distended from malnutrition. To get water, the girls had to walk a narrow trail through fields & forrest to a small hole full of statgnant, muddy water where they filled 2 fuel cans with the water and carried them back down the trail. Brenda, 5-years-old, carried both water cans because her 4-year-old sister, Esther, is too weak to carry the second.

So many things are wrong with this! These little girls are 4 & 5 years old. They should be in school, not hiking to get water, wondering when they will eat next, and being left alone with no one to watch over them. Young girls get raped all too often in Uganda walking to get water on their own. And what kind of things are swimming in that water waiting to infect those girls' little bodies?

Praise God that these little girls were taken in by Rafiki Ministries! But what about all the other children who suffer this same plight? There are over 2 million orphans in the city of Kampala alone - 2 million precious faces with no one to love them, no one to provide for them, left to face the world on their own. More than 26,000 children died today due to starvation or a preventable disease - TWENTY-SIX THOUSAND kids whose bodies withered away until they couldn't take another breath. Poverty is a daily reality to more than a billion people around the world who attempt to survive on less than one dollar a day while an additional two billion live on less than two dollars each day. Less than TWO DOLLARS A DAY! And it doesn't stop there. AIDS, tuberculosis, rape, war, kidnapping, sexual slavery, religious opression, torture, terrorism, government corruption. I can't even begin to imagine all the horror that some people are faced with every day. My heart aches for the poor, orphaned, sick, windowed, enslaved, victimized, opressed, imprisioned, and lost.

The question I can't seem to escape is why them? Why Brenda and Esther? Why Elise? Why Ronald? Why Evens? Why Dilven? Why were these precious children orphaned, abandoned, beaten? Why were they the ones who saw their parents killed in an earthquake, who suffer from malnutrition every day, who are forced to wander the streets begging for food, who are infected by preventable disease with no access to medical care?

Why not me? Why not you? Why was I blessed with a loving family, a safe home, a bounty of food, a life of privilege? Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry for the blessings I have enjoyed. But I am angry that there are children all over the world who will never know the life I have, the love I have, the safety & security of having their most basic needs met.