A GLORIOUS WHIRLWIND OF CHANGE.
College graduation has come and gone. It was a wonderful day of celebration with the sweet people in my life who have supported, loved, and encouraged me over the past 4 years. I have a job as a nurse in the Emergency Department at Scott & White and will begin my internship on June 18th. I have moved into a cozy, little apartment in Temple, finally finished unpacking, and have begun studying for my NCLEX nursing licensure exam. But the days following graduation have not been what I expected.
Although this transition has been new & exciting, many days have been filled with loneliness, disappointment, frustration, guilt, exhaustion, uncertainty, doubt, and sadness. I felt distant from God - at times for reasons I well know and other times for reasons I do not understand. You know that feeling when it seems like you are so far gone from the Lord when just a few days before He seemed so near to your heart walking you through each moment - it is a horrible place to be. I'm not sure how to describe it. I just seemed to dwell in a state of frustrating discontentment every moment of every day. And I hated it.
I have had days when I was discontent with everything about myself. Days when I yearned to be on my way to a beautiful reunion with my precious babies in Uganda. Days when I was so disgusted with my sinful self that I thought I might throw up. Days when my shame made me want to crawl under a rock and never come out. Days when I felt wounded and broken. Days when I was confused and overwhelmed wondering what will happen next. Days when I was impatient, ungrateful, and just plain rude. Days when my mouth seemed to have no filter and my heart seemed to have no grace.
I think we all have those times.
But just in the past few days the Lord has begun to show me his work in all this.
Sometimes I allow myself to entertain the illusion that I have things under control. And oh, is that such an illusion! If I was in control, my life would be one huge mess. So really it is a blessing when the Lord allows things to happen that aren't according to my plan. I need to be reminded of my complete dependence on the Lord. For me that needs to be a frequent reminder because sometimes I try to be super woman.
I am such a wretched, evil person apart from Christ inside me. It can be easy to forget that everything of me that is good, lovely, and noble is Jesus. That self righteousness starts creeping inside my heart, and I don't even notice it. But God does. So in a way it is even a blessing to be faced with temptation as a reminder that only the Holy Spirit flourishing in my heart can overcome those selfish desires of my flesh. There are times when those worldly desires get the best of me, and my human nature tries to push aside the overwhelming conviction I am faced with. I have known that to happen too many times in my life, and, thank the Lord, the conviction will always become too great to ignore. Enter: GRACE. Oh, how sweet it is to know the truth of God's unconditional love and cleansing grace. There is truly nothing in all this world like being forgiven of our transgressions and covered by grace, to feel the weight of guilt and disdain washed away only to be filled with joy, thanksgiving, and love.
As for the rest of life outside myself, I have even less control over any of that. Circumstances can be turned around in an instant. If I allow my attitude, my actions, or my life to be defined by whether life is running according to my plans, then I will be in for a world of hurt. Whether I have to live on a tight budget, I have to do something I don't particularly enjoy, or I can't take my licensure exam as soon as I would like, God is still sovereign, and I am still called to live a life of worship that reflects Christ in all I do.
So I think in all the expected and unexpected, the Lord is showing me that no matter how much life changes, He will always be God, I will always be called above all else to seek & serve Him with my life, and I will always be dependent on Him to fulfill that calling.
Although this transition has been new & exciting, many days have been filled with loneliness, disappointment, frustration, guilt, exhaustion, uncertainty, doubt, and sadness. I felt distant from God - at times for reasons I well know and other times for reasons I do not understand. You know that feeling when it seems like you are so far gone from the Lord when just a few days before He seemed so near to your heart walking you through each moment - it is a horrible place to be. I'm not sure how to describe it. I just seemed to dwell in a state of frustrating discontentment every moment of every day. And I hated it.
I have had days when I was discontent with everything about myself. Days when I yearned to be on my way to a beautiful reunion with my precious babies in Uganda. Days when I was so disgusted with my sinful self that I thought I might throw up. Days when my shame made me want to crawl under a rock and never come out. Days when I felt wounded and broken. Days when I was confused and overwhelmed wondering what will happen next. Days when I was impatient, ungrateful, and just plain rude. Days when my mouth seemed to have no filter and my heart seemed to have no grace.
I think we all have those times.
But just in the past few days the Lord has begun to show me his work in all this.
Sometimes I allow myself to entertain the illusion that I have things under control. And oh, is that such an illusion! If I was in control, my life would be one huge mess. So really it is a blessing when the Lord allows things to happen that aren't according to my plan. I need to be reminded of my complete dependence on the Lord. For me that needs to be a frequent reminder because sometimes I try to be super woman.
I am such a wretched, evil person apart from Christ inside me. It can be easy to forget that everything of me that is good, lovely, and noble is Jesus. That self righteousness starts creeping inside my heart, and I don't even notice it. But God does. So in a way it is even a blessing to be faced with temptation as a reminder that only the Holy Spirit flourishing in my heart can overcome those selfish desires of my flesh. There are times when those worldly desires get the best of me, and my human nature tries to push aside the overwhelming conviction I am faced with. I have known that to happen too many times in my life, and, thank the Lord, the conviction will always become too great to ignore. Enter: GRACE. Oh, how sweet it is to know the truth of God's unconditional love and cleansing grace. There is truly nothing in all this world like being forgiven of our transgressions and covered by grace, to feel the weight of guilt and disdain washed away only to be filled with joy, thanksgiving, and love.
As for the rest of life outside myself, I have even less control over any of that. Circumstances can be turned around in an instant. If I allow my attitude, my actions, or my life to be defined by whether life is running according to my plans, then I will be in for a world of hurt. Whether I have to live on a tight budget, I have to do something I don't particularly enjoy, or I can't take my licensure exam as soon as I would like, God is still sovereign, and I am still called to live a life of worship that reflects Christ in all I do.
So I think in all the expected and unexpected, the Lord is showing me that no matter how much life changes, He will always be God, I will always be called above all else to seek & serve Him with my life, and I will always be dependent on Him to fulfill that calling.
