You know those days when you think of your to-do list and just about have a heart attack? The overwhelming anxiety that consumes you wondering how you will be able to do everything you have in front of you? That is a pretty accurate picture of my weekend. Excitement turned to anxiety as I doubted my ability to accomplish all I have to do - my first OB test, a confusion of clinical paperwork, trying to get a handle on all my financial demands, the overwhelming challenge to raise over $5000 to spend the summer in Africa, remaining bathed in prayer & scripture as a developing Christian & Bible study leader, the uncomfortable task of being asked to share my testimony before a crowd of my fellow college students, and that's the short version. I know many people can relate to how I was feeling. For many of us, our lives thrive on busyness as much as we often despise it.
My breaking point came on Saturday night. I could feel my heart rate rise, my arteries begin to constrict, and my hands start shaking as my body began to give way to the stress. I was trying to study but to no avail. My mind was all over the place. "I need to remember to email her. Oh, I forgot I have to do that this week. I really need to find time to get this done. Why won't my phone stop ringing?!...Oh goodness, I'm going to fail this test if I don't get to studying!" At this point I should've stopped to take a breath right? But me, with my super woman mentality, thought "Okay, I just need to multitask to get things done." So I turned on iTunes to pick Bible study songs for the week while I continued in my attempt to study. God could've been screaming at me, but I wouldn't stop long enough for Him to get through my thick head UNTIL I heard the first song that started playing...
"God, my God, I cry out Your beloved needs You now.
God be near. Calm my fear, and take my doubt.
Your kindness is what pulls me up.
Your love is all that draws me in.
I will lift my eyes to Maker of the mountains I can't climb.
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer of the oceans raging wild.
I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside.
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You..."
Life isn't about me, me, me. And when I try to take on the world by myself, stress & anxiety are inevitable because I CAN'T do it. But I'm not supposed to be able to do it.
The beauty of human weakness - it causes us to turn to the Lord.
God tells us in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore we should boast all the more gladly about our weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on us. That is why, for Christ's sake, we should delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties, . For when we are weak, then we are strong. (from 2 Corinthians 12:10)
So how will I be able to overcome busyness with a heart of joy? How will I be able to share the story of my failure & God's redeeming grace to a room full of people? How will I be able to serve the Lord in Africa when I don't feel equipped? How will I be able to raise the money needed to continue pursuing God's will? How will you make it through each day, no matter the challenges you face?
...By turning our eyes to God - the Maker of the mountains we can't climb, the Calmer of the oceans raging wild, the Healer of the hurts we hold inside, our Creator, our Father, our King.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Refine this wellspring
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do comes from it."
Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)
Guilt. Something I am well acquainted with. Guilt has inhabited my heart for many years past and slowly rotted away parts of my heart. But after many tears, difficult conversations, internal warring, and more pain than I ever want to experience again, I found myself on my knees yearning to feel the love of God again. The grace that covered me in that moment was indescribable and magnificent, overwhelming in a wonderful way! I recently came to the sad realization that because I don't enjoy taking time to dwell on my wretched sin and all the hurt & heartache that comes with it, I forget the magnitude of that saving grace.
Pride. It has a sneaky way of creeping into our hearts initially unnoticed. Reading the story of the sinful woman who annointed Jesus' feet with perfume, I finally came face-to-face with the pride in my heart that I had never known was there. I remembered where God has brought me from and the restoration I have found in Him. How humbling it was to be broken of the unjustified judgement I have cast on others.
"For it is by GRACE you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God has prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:8-10
Jealousy. Something everyone deals with but no one wants to admit. Personally, it was only a few days ago that I realized what a big problem this is in my own heart. I compare myself to everyone around me - sometimes tearing myself down for not being skinny enough or pretty enough, other times building myself up for feeling intellectually superior. It's disgusting, I know. And it was a hard thing to admit to myself. Sometimes it isn't others I compare myself to; instead I am criticize myself for not measuring up to my own expectations - my looks, my character, my intellect, my work ethic, my ability as a nurse, how likeable I am. This all stems from jealousy. And jealousy stems from a discontent heart. I have let the things of this world take hold of my thoughts & become objects of my affection - physical appearance, reputation, popularity, relationships, expectations. My thoughts should always be fixed on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable, and excellent, and worthy of praise - things of God and things that bring glory to God. Those are the only things worth dwelling on because my Savior is the only thing worthy to be the object of my affection.
"I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done. I will be filled with joy because of you. I will sing praises to your name, O Most High." Psalm 9:1-2
Purging my heart of all sin & unrighteousness is difficult & uncomfortable but wonderful at the same time. The harder I pursue the Lord, the easier it is to watch everything else fall away. Being renewed & restored is part of the beauty of being a beloved child of God.
Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)
Guilt. Something I am well acquainted with. Guilt has inhabited my heart for many years past and slowly rotted away parts of my heart. But after many tears, difficult conversations, internal warring, and more pain than I ever want to experience again, I found myself on my knees yearning to feel the love of God again. The grace that covered me in that moment was indescribable and magnificent, overwhelming in a wonderful way! I recently came to the sad realization that because I don't enjoy taking time to dwell on my wretched sin and all the hurt & heartache that comes with it, I forget the magnitude of that saving grace.
Pride. It has a sneaky way of creeping into our hearts initially unnoticed. Reading the story of the sinful woman who annointed Jesus' feet with perfume, I finally came face-to-face with the pride in my heart that I had never known was there. I remembered where God has brought me from and the restoration I have found in Him. How humbling it was to be broken of the unjustified judgement I have cast on others.
"For it is by GRACE you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God has prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:8-10
Jealousy. Something everyone deals with but no one wants to admit. Personally, it was only a few days ago that I realized what a big problem this is in my own heart. I compare myself to everyone around me - sometimes tearing myself down for not being skinny enough or pretty enough, other times building myself up for feeling intellectually superior. It's disgusting, I know. And it was a hard thing to admit to myself. Sometimes it isn't others I compare myself to; instead I am criticize myself for not measuring up to my own expectations - my looks, my character, my intellect, my work ethic, my ability as a nurse, how likeable I am. This all stems from jealousy. And jealousy stems from a discontent heart. I have let the things of this world take hold of my thoughts & become objects of my affection - physical appearance, reputation, popularity, relationships, expectations. My thoughts should always be fixed on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable, and excellent, and worthy of praise - things of God and things that bring glory to God. Those are the only things worth dwelling on because my Savior is the only thing worthy to be the object of my affection.
"I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done. I will be filled with joy because of you. I will sing praises to your name, O Most High." Psalm 9:1-2
Purging my heart of all sin & unrighteousness is difficult & uncomfortable but wonderful at the same time. The harder I pursue the Lord, the easier it is to watch everything else fall away. Being renewed & restored is part of the beauty of being a beloved child of God.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Balancing anxiety & excitement
God has been doing some wonderful things in my life lately, and although it can all seem a little overwhelming at times, it comforts me to know that God is in the midst of it all orchestrating everything.
My excitement continues to grow as I try to figure out all that I need to do for my summer in Africa. Two trips make things a little more complicated with plane tickets and finances, but I'm hoping that I can get it all figured out once our nursing group to Kenya meets soon. May seems so far away, but often I find myself thinking of Uganda, the precious kids at the orphanage, the medical clinics, and all the people I have yet to meet.
Trying to focus on the semester in front of me before jumping ahead to this summer isn't always easy, but God has begun to bring together an opportunity that I know will be amazing. Last semester God began to birth in me this idea of beginning a Bible study. That vision grew to bring together a God-seeking group of freshman girls who desire to be challenged to grow in their faith and want honest, authentic community. After some guidance from others, some doubt, much prayer, and lots of study, God has answered more prayers than just my own and brought together what I pray will be a wonderful, passionate small group studying women of the Bible.
As far as nursing goes, oh boy am I in for a crazy semester?! Last night I checked my email and, low and behold, I already have homework before the first day of classes begins. Why am I not surprised? After a few minutes of sulking, I continued reading the semester calendar and came to the realization that not only will it be a crazy busy semester but also a fantasticly exciting one! I am going to be learning about OB & pediatric nursing. I was a little alarmed, to say the least, when I saw that I only have 2 weeks of classes before I start clinicals at the hospital. How in the world am I going to know what I'm doing after only 2 weeks?! But I told myself my professors know what they're doing, and many students have done this before me.
Everything considered, I am currently trying to maintain a balance of my anxiety & excitement at what is to come. I am surprised to say that all my initial doubts & fears about everything ahead of me have been calmed by my faith that God is in control. I know that shouldn't surprise me. I'm taking it as a sign of growth and a promise that God is indeed preparing me for His plans.
My excitement continues to grow as I try to figure out all that I need to do for my summer in Africa. Two trips make things a little more complicated with plane tickets and finances, but I'm hoping that I can get it all figured out once our nursing group to Kenya meets soon. May seems so far away, but often I find myself thinking of Uganda, the precious kids at the orphanage, the medical clinics, and all the people I have yet to meet.
Trying to focus on the semester in front of me before jumping ahead to this summer isn't always easy, but God has begun to bring together an opportunity that I know will be amazing. Last semester God began to birth in me this idea of beginning a Bible study. That vision grew to bring together a God-seeking group of freshman girls who desire to be challenged to grow in their faith and want honest, authentic community. After some guidance from others, some doubt, much prayer, and lots of study, God has answered more prayers than just my own and brought together what I pray will be a wonderful, passionate small group studying women of the Bible.
As far as nursing goes, oh boy am I in for a crazy semester?! Last night I checked my email and, low and behold, I already have homework before the first day of classes begins. Why am I not surprised? After a few minutes of sulking, I continued reading the semester calendar and came to the realization that not only will it be a crazy busy semester but also a fantasticly exciting one! I am going to be learning about OB & pediatric nursing. I was a little alarmed, to say the least, when I saw that I only have 2 weeks of classes before I start clinicals at the hospital. How in the world am I going to know what I'm doing after only 2 weeks?! But I told myself my professors know what they're doing, and many students have done this before me.
Everything considered, I am currently trying to maintain a balance of my anxiety & excitement at what is to come. I am surprised to say that all my initial doubts & fears about everything ahead of me have been calmed by my faith that God is in control. I know that shouldn't surprise me. I'm taking it as a sign of growth and a promise that God is indeed preparing me for His plans.
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