When there are no words

I have so many things to say and feel like I have no words to express them.

A summary of my past 2 weeks:

Played with lots of babies at Sanyu Babies' Home.

Walked through the largest slum in Kampala. What an eye-opening, heart-breaking experience.

Got kicked out of a Ugandan hospital.

Visited a rehabilitation center for disabled children.

Did some grocery shopping and experienced my first open-air market in Africa.

Rode 6 hours one-way to finally meet my sweet Compassion child, Emitu Leonard, and his family.

Spoke to a crowd of over 400 Ugandan children and many of their parents. With no heads up.

Got the chance to be the first white person ever seen by probably over a hundred children. Talk about staring.

Ate fried ants. Tasted kinda like sunflower seeds.

Saw the beginning of the Nile River. Absolutely beautiful.

Rode another 6 hours one-way through the breath-taking scenery of western Uganda.

Saw antelopes, water boar, Cape buffalo, wart hogs, a lion, hippos, crocodiles, monkeys, zebras, and a grand total of over 37 elephants. I know you're jealous, Katie.

Was in both the northern & southern hemispheres at the SAME time.

Learned to make chapatis (who knows if I spelled that right).

Baked cookies with 11 children.

Watched Princess and the Frog for the first time...and the second, third, fourth, and fifth times.

Play dough, sidewalk chalk outlines, the Hokey Pokey, Bible memory verses, coloring pages, relay races, spaghetti, pancakes, organizing toys, sorting clothes, and plenty of first aid. I can't decide if I'm feeling more like a preschool teacher or a mom.

I'm not going to lie. Despite all the wonderful excitement and new experiences, I have been struggling with some home sickness. I think it's just the realization of how long I am actually going to be here. And it is just beginning which can be upsetting and exciting at the same time. But God is so faithful to overcome my homesickness with joy in Him and His wonderful works - the works of His hands through creation, the reflection of His image through a child, the reminder of His faithfulness through the prayers of so many people. And He always brings me back to the purpose for which He has called me here - for His glory and namesake which is far greater than my desire for comfort or even my love for family.

In all this, my heart has been...waiting. Waiting on the Lord and searching. But searching for what, I'm not sure. It's hard to put into words. Through reading the gospels and going through a weekly study called Gospel in Life by Timothy Keller, God has been opening my eyes to so many things. And then through my experiences here in Uganda, God is teaching me something every day. I am trying to take it all in and process everything, but I guess my heart & mind are overwhelmed, not in a bad way. Just overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by God - His grace, His love, His power, His compassion, His heart, His call on me. It leaves me all very humbled. And speechless.

So for now I will just continue each morning to devote my days to the Lord and seek Him in all things, through all things, and for all things. And I trust that, although I may not understand right now what God is doing inside of me, it will be glorious and beautiful.

First Days in Africa.

I don't even know what to say. I must admit I have felt like one big emotional mess the past week. I have this knack for completely losing it in airports, and that didn't fail me on Wednesday & Thursday as I traveled. But the Lord is always so faithful to pour out His peace & joy on me.

I'm here. In Uganda. It still blows my mind! I arrived on Friday morning, safe and relatively rested (or so I thought). I kept wondering when it would become reality to me that I was coming to Uganda, and I don't think it happened until the plane landed on the runway and I looked out the window. My heart began to race with excitement, and it took all the self-control I had not to unbuckle my seatbelt right there & run to the front of the plane to be the very first one off.

Joseph & Sara picked me up at the airport, and on the way to the Rafiki Home they told me that the night before they had received two more children, Carol & Don, both 2 1/2 yrs old. I could hardly contain my excitement to meet the kids that I've been praying for and thinking of the past 5 months! As we got closer to the home I felt this nervousness building inside me, but it was a wonderful nervous excitement that makes your whole body shake & your stomach so hyperactive with butterflies you think you might just throw up. The gate opened, and Joseph pulled in & parked the car. "We're here." Before I could get out and walk around the car, I was greeted with hugs by the beautiful smiling faces from the picture hanging on my bulletin board at school. Absolutely surreal moment. I walked inside and sat down on the floor to play with the kids. Before I knew what was going on, I was swarmed by kids! The 2 coolest things about me at that point: my watch that glows & beeps and my long, curly mzungu hair. My white skin comes in a close third behind those. I felt a little like an interactive zoo exhibit as they pulled my wrist every which direction, pulled at my hair, and petted my white arms. But I loved it and wouldn't have wanted anything different. I could see how excited they were, and I was even more excited than all of them combined! We spent the rest of the day playing as I learned their daily routine. Thank the Lord they have rest time in their beds after lunch because I was definitely in need of a nap!

Saturday morning I woke up & took a refreshingly cold shower. Boy, it felt nice to be clean! I came downstairs and didn't have to wait but a few seconds before I was met by lots of little children in their pajamas jumping up & down with excitement to see me. "Good morning, Auntie Kelsey" they all chanted as they pulled at my dress to give me hugs. That put a huge smile on my face =)

On Sunday I went to my first African church service. Joseph, Sara, his brothers Godfry & Moses, and all the kids attend Watoto Church. It is a huge church in Kampala not far from the Rafiki Home. I was surprised to find out it is English-speaking and very excited to discover the building is open-air. Without air conditioning here I feel like I am constantly sweating, but I'm beginning to get used to it. The worst part is going to bed sweating. But anyway, the church service was great! My favorite part was during worship when we sang To Know Your Name. It was amazing to sing a song I know so well with fellow believers in Uganda. Just another wonderful reminder that God is God of all people & all nations.

What a beautiful mess.

First off: Praise the Lord, 100% of my summer is funded! What wonderful news that was to finally hear. I'm not going to lie I got a bit teary-eyed. God has provided in so many unexpected & wonderful ways. The body of Christ is a beautiful thing. I am forever thankful to all the people that gave out of the generosity of their hearts so that God's love & hope may be known & felt by the people whose lives will cross mine in Uganda & Kenya.

Not much longer. Only 10 days and I will be flying to Uganda. Goodness, how the days & weeks have seemed to fly by so quickly. Doesn't is always feel like you're looking back wondering where the time has gone? I am praying that time begins to slow down so I can cherish every moment of this summer.

You know when you're looking forward to something and you try to picture what it will be like in your mind? I have no idea what to picture. I often find myself thinking of the faces of the 9 beautiful orphans I will be living with, but past that I don't know what is in store for me this summer. I'm sure there will be lots of smiles, hugs, joy, laughter, tears, bug spray, baby wipes, sunscreen, bucket showers, medication, rice & beans, dirty feet, sticky mouths, growing, and learning. Oh, the learning. I can hardly wait.

Saying things have been pretty crazy lately would be an understatement. I have been one busy, tired, emotional, worrisome, doubting, confused mess of a person. But now more than ever I have come to appreciate how this beautiful mess is used by God.

The Bible is full of stories of people who were a beautiful mess and how God worked in them & through them for His glory. That is the story of grace.

God doesn't want me to have it all together. He wants me to come to Him each morning when I wake and cling to Him with all that I am for all that I need.

Because if I was never scared I wouldn't need His peace.

If I was never doubtful I wouldn't need His assurance.

If I was need worried I wouldn't need His calm.

If I was never confused I wouldn't need His truth.

If I was never tired I wouldn't need His strength.

If I was never busy I wouldn't need His rest.

If I was never discouraged I wouldn't need Him to lift me up.

So I have learned that it's okay to be all of those things. Because God is greater than it all.

It's those times when I'm a completely broken mess

that I see God in wonderful ways because I need Him.

I need Him, and I know that He is faithful.

He is everything I need.

He is everything you need.

If this is what it takes to live life on my knees in prayer, to need God for every step I take, to know God more intimately than ever before then I don't want to be anything BUT a total & complete mess every day of my life.