Home is where the heart is. And I left my heart in Africa.

It's been 9 days since I left Africa.

The reason my entries have become few & far between is simply a lack of words. No writing can do justice to the power of God I have seen at work. And that has been the same case since I have been back in the States. People ask about my summer, about Africa, but I don't know what to say. Half of me is a beaming smile when I think of the past 3 months, and the other half of me is a river of tears. I know. Sounds bipolar. But some of you may understand where I am coming from.

I haven't felt like myself for the past 9 days. It's like I'm a zombie going through the motions that I know so well, but my heart & mind are still an ocean away. I thought I was coming home, but now that I'm back it feels like I left my home in Africa. I keep wondering how long this will last. When will things begin to feel normal again?

For several days since I've been back to school, I have tried not to think about how lonely I feel. I've tried not to think too much about my precious kids, my friends, and all the sweet patients I met. It worked for a little while. But today is different for some reason. The memories are so vivid I can't ignore them. They make my heart hurt. A lot.

It tore me up to hear that all my kids got sick soon after I left Uganda. They are my babies, and I left them. I wasn't there when they needed me.

And then I think of the patients I met.

Baby Simon was just a few months old and so so sick - dying of AIDS. I felt so useless that day at the clinic. I had malaria but couldn't lay in bed for another minute or I'd go crazy. So I sat in the pharmacy. A young woman came in with her baby who needed medication. I held my arms out and asked if I could hold him. His eyes were glassy & could hardly focus, his tiny body was burning up, and his lymph nodes were so swollen I thought he had masses growing on his neck. Dr Ricky came in, and I asked what was wrong with the baby. "He has AIDS and is very sick. He probably won't make it much longer." Then he told me to give the baby 5mL Bactrim suspension. Simon's tonsils & lymph nodes were so swollen that he couldn't swallow or even cry. So I spent at least 15 minutes squirting small amounts of Bactrim in his mouth with a syringe and blowing on his face trying in vain to get the poor baby to swallow his medication. All the while I kept praying, "Lord, please help this baby boy. He needs a miracle." Today I keep wondering whether Simon is still alive.

That is just one of so many stories of people whose lives intersected with mine, maybe just for a short while, but all the same they have changed me. Now I am supposed to figure out how my time in Africa fits together with my life here in Texas. And I feel so lost.

My only comfort is that even when everything else seems foreign, God will always be familiar and near to me.

Stories of poverty

Every day God is opening my eyes more & more to the heartbreaking realities of extreme poverty in Uganda. It breaks my heart. There have been so many times in the past two weeks that I've wanted to cry out of sheer heartache for these people.

I know so many statistics on health disparities in Africa. I've seen pictures and heard stories. But to see these people right in front of me - it's so different.

They aren't just statistics on infant & maternal mortality rates anymore. I see faces, a woman standing next to me telling me about the dead baby she delivered at home a couple weeks ago with tears rolling down her cheeks. She had a severe, infected laceration that she had yet to see a doctor about because she has no money.

They aren't just numbers of children who die of preventable & treatable diseases each year. They each have a name - Corcus. He has spinal TB, a father dying of AIDS, and a mother who will openly admit she doesn't love him. This disease could very well kill him because there is no one to care for him properly and take him to the hospital for regular treatment. Instead his mother uses him to get food handouts while she leaves him to slowly die of TB.

They aren't just numbers of child soldiers. They are each precious children of God who have been stripped of family, home, and childhood to the scars of unspeakable evils.

I could tell you story after story and show you pictures of the horrible injustices that plague my thoughts every night.

Life in the slums. But no picture can do justice to the poverty.

Little Corcus. For me it was love at first sight.

I don't understand how anyone could not love this precious face.

I don't even know what to feel about all this. Burdened, angry, hopeless, angry, heartbroken, numb. At first I tried to distance myself from it because I knew it could get overwhelming if I let every story, every patient get to me. But how can I distance myself from these beautiful people who are in such dire need? And when they are right in front of me one after another after another?

It has been a blessing to be a part of the medical clinics reaching out to offer medical care to refugees, child soldiers, orphans, outcasts, and the impoverished, but it has left me with a heavy heart and a river of tears shed for these beautiful people.

My only solace in all this is the hope I have found in the Lord.

"O Sovereign Lord! You made the heavens and earth by your strong hand and powerful arm. Nothing is too hard for you!" Jeremiah 32:17

God is greater.

The beautiful busyness of being a missionary

I admit to being horrible about updating recently. Guilty. The days just seem to get busier all the time. Not that I'm complaining! It has been a beautiful busyness. God never cease to amaze me by His perfect planning. I am learning to take life one day at a time and know that God will give me the grace to walk through each day with His unfailing love, abounding joy, surpassing peace, unwavering patience, tender mercy, and servant heart.

Other than the regular craziness of caring for 11 children, Don has gotten special attention this week because he had dental surgery on Tuesday morning - 16 teeth extracted. And he has been such a trooper through the whole thing! It took 3 sticks for the anesthesiologist to start an IV on him. After the first stick, he continued to sit there completely cooperative without fighting back at all, but that made it all the worse when he looked up at me with tears welling up in those big brown eyes and said "Auntie Kelsey" in the most pathetically expectant voice like I was supposed to save him. The procedure went well overall, and Don's recovery has gone so much better than Michelle or I ever expected. The dentist prescribed him amoxicillin to clear up the infection in his mouth & prevent any further infection and for pain he prescribed ibuprofen. Ibuprofen for a 2-yr-old who just had 16 teeth pulled out! I thought he was crazy and tried to prepare myself for several days of crying in pain. But I am so proud of how brave Don has been. Other than about a 30-minute window when the local anesthesia was wearing off, he hasn't cried at all. We gave him 2 doses of ibuprofen on Tuesday, just one dose on Wednesday, and he hasn't needed any pain medication since then. He is one tough little boy!

Afternoons with the kids are especially busy since I started doing homework with them most every day. And the best part is they enjoy it so much that they wake up from nap asking for their work! I've made different worksheets on the computer (which they think is super cool since all their work from school is hand written by the teachers) based on concepts that each of the kids needs to work on. Let me tell you, I've definitely come to learn that teaching is NOT what God has called me to. But Michelle & I will continue to work with them on school work until we leave.

I also go running every afternoon that I can. It has been such a wonderful release =) Not the same as running back home, but I still enjoy it. I have to get back in running shape because I'll be running a 5K here in Uganda on July 24. And I'm going to have the cutest little cheerleaders ever! When I come downstairs in my tennis shoes & wind pants the kids know I'm going running. And when I get back they all say "Auntie Kelsey, I want to run with you." It's so cute!

I say things have been unusually busy lately, and the biggest reason for that is the MEDICAL CLINICS. Michelle & I have been blessed to team up with a volunteer team that has come to Uganda for 2 weeks to hold free medical clinics. It has been very different than expected but absolutely wonderful.

I will hold off on sharing about the medical clinics for now because I should probably be getting to sleep. We have a huge clinic day tomorrow, and I need all the rest I can get.

My treasure. My model. My love. My Savior.

Never has anyone given up so much. He renounced the joys of heaven for the sorrows of earth, exchanging an eternal immunity to the approach of sin for painful contact with evil in this world. He was born of a lowly Hebrew mother in a dirty stable in the insignificant village of Bethlehem. He became a refugee baby in Egypt. He was brought up in the obscure hamlet of Nazareth, and toiled at a carpenter's bench to support his mother and the other children in their home. In due time he became an itinerant preacher, with few possessions, small comforts and no home. He made friends with simple fishermen and publicans. He touched lepers and allowed harlots to touch him. He gave himself away in a ministry of healing, helping, teaching and preaching. He was misunderstood and misrepresented, and became the victim of men's prejudices and vested interests. He was despised and rejected by his own people, and deserted by his own friends. He gave his back to be flogged, his face to be spat upon, his head to be crowned with thorns, his hands and feet to be nailed to a common Roman gallows. And as the cruel spikes were driven home, he kept praying for his tormentors, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do."

This utter disregard of self in the service of God and man is what the Bible calls love. The worst of men is adorned by an occasional flash of such nobility, but the life of Jesus irradiated it with a never-fading incandescent glow.

Humbling. Inspiring.

*The above excerpt was taken from Basic Christianity by John Stott.

I want to make a baby!

Here are some of my favorite moments here so far.

- Teaching the kids how to two-step to country music this weekend. They especially liked the twirling.

- Watching the kids' excitement at learning how to make s'mores.

- Rainy afternoons cuddled up on the couch with the kids watching movies.

- When all the the kids are laying in bed at night calling for me to come give them good night kisses. And then they give me a kiss back and tell me "I love you, Mama Kelsey".

- Watching the kids eat slippery spaghetti noodles when Michelle & I cook spaghetti for dinner. It makes me laugh every time.

- Sewing with the girls as they patiently watch me and wait to help.

- Picking out their church clothes on Saturday night andthen dressing them up all cute in the morning! The boys' sweater vests have to be my favorite.

- When Michelle & I took our first day off. We took a boda boda (motorcycle taxi) into town and spent the morning shopping at an African market. Then we had lunch at the Garden City mall, came back home, and watched a movie for the afternoon. I had so much fun enjoying the company of my wonderful roommate =)

- There are lots more, but I'll stop there for now.

I love these kids so much it's ridiculous!

Best kids' quotes:

6. "Aunt Kelsey, Enkuba is coming! Enkuba is coming!" -Esther. Enkuba means rain. Esther will run up to me all excited yelling this as it's pouring rain outside. I always laugh and tell her, "Umm I think the rain is already here."

5. "I want to eat brownie & popcorn, and then watch movie and sit on my pillow. I want to do that again, Aunt Kelsey." -Oscar. We had a movie night, and Oscar really enjoyed it. He thought sitting on his pillow when we made a pallet was so cool!

4. Jerom's accent is absolutely precious. My favorites are the way he says freckle - "furkle" - and he pronounces my name "Aunt Kelotsey".

3. "Aunt Kelsey, I love you." -Oscar. The reason I love this so much is because he was taking his dishes to the kitchen and stopped just to tell me that. And the beautiful smile on his face made it that much better!

2. "You mama. Mama Kelsey." -Annet. I'm a mama now =)

1. "I want to make a baby, Aunt Kelsey!" -Oscar. We were playing with their new play dough, and I had made a baby out of play dough for Annet.

Love is patient.

For the past 2 weeks God has begun teaching me about LOVE in a whole new way.

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient..."

K, stop there. I'm sure many of you could continue reciting the rest of 1 Corinthians 13 by heart. It is a wonderful, powerful passage that challenges me with every word to change the way I relate to the world. I wrote before about how God was speaking to me about my faith. My prayer is to have a faith in the Lord that can move mountains, and it references that very thing at the beginning of 1 Corinthians 13. It doesn't matter if I have faith to move mountains, I could have faith to shatter entire galaxies, but if I haven't loved others with the same love that Christ has shown me, faith means nothing. Wow. Powerful.

So about 2 weeks ago after I studied that passage I began praying this passage.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with the power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpassed knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of Christ." Ephesians 3:16-19

No extra explanation needed.

So as I have been praying to be filled to overflowing with the unconditional love and everlasting joy of Christ that comes through the Holy Spirit, I have continued to study and contemplate the verses that follow in 1 Corinthians 13. And that brings me to the portion I stopped at.

"Love is patient."

I have never considered myself a particularly impatient person. But you never know a person's true character until you turn up the heat and watch how they respond. So I think that's what God decided to do to me. (Literally! I'm practically sweating all the time.)

Yesterday marked 5 weeks that I have been here in Uganda. After 5 weeks, things aren't all flowers, rainbows, and smiley faces all the time. I feel at home here, and I love that. But being at home has its up sides and down sides. I said I never saw myself as particularly impatient, but my patience has never been tested like it has these past 5 weeks. Anyone who knows me knows I have plenty of experience working with kids in lots of different settings - childcare, preschool, swim lessons, VBS, summer camp. But none of those involve living with almost a dozen kids 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for 5 weeks. This is a new experience for me.

There are many moments each day I find myself stopping to ask the Lord for the same patient and gracious love He shows me. And it is beautiful watching how God changes my heart. The same tasks that were grating on my nerves become a delight to me. The things that made me want to pull my hair out now seem humorous.

Changing the sheets after Don wets his bed is a chance to see how helpful he can be making his bed and an opportunity to dote on him for a job well done. Picking up toys is a time to sing together and work as a team, and then everyone gets a high-five when it's done. Helping the kids get dressed shows me more of their individual personalities when Esther wants something purple, Brenda wants to be different, and Fauziya doesn't care as long as I say it looks pretty. Folding laundry with the little kids becomes a fun game of matching pajama tops & bottoms. Brushing teeth is always crazy, but most of the time the kids will behave when they know they'll get good night kisses from Aunt Kelsey once they get in bed. When I find one of the kids eating rocks or keeping the rest of their breakfast sausage in their pocket for later, I can laugh about it and loving correct them. The girls are learning when they calmly stand next to my chair and watch me sew, they get to cut the thread and press the reverse button on the machine.

For the past 7 days the power has been out at least 10 hours every day, if not more. Something that might seem to become increasingly frustrating. But instead God has given me an appreciation for candle-lit dinners, a new affinity for spending hours reading by flashlight, and thankfulness for the few hours that power is available.

11 little children can create a large amount of noise. It seems that someone is always crying or whining about something. Everyone is hyperactive and eager to be as close to Aunt Kelsey as possible whether that means pulling, pushing, tugging, or climbing. Add the beating afternoon sun of Uganda to this equation, and you've got a potential for disaster. Or imagine trying to find clothes to fit 5 naked boys with no power, no light, wet towels flying every which way, and screaming from all directions. Assisting with homework can also be quite the challenge. The kids bring home homework that never really makes sense to me. It's all hand-written, and when I ask them, "So what are you supposed to do?" they just look up at me with a blank stare. Last night I tried in vain for half an hour to teach Joshua how to read the words cut, but, gun, pug, fuss, mud, bud, and gut.

I say all this with gladness because I have come to rejoice in the truth that when impatience threatens to get the best of me, the Holy Spirit is greater than all my frustrations. He fills me with abounding joy and love that overcomes impatience.

To have faith that moves mountains.

I am going to attempt to explain some of what God has been at work teaching me during the past several weeks. Bear with me, as I'm sure many of you can agree, I don't think any words can fully describe the workings of God.

My heart and head having been always working in the recent weeks, trying to work out all that my Heavenly Father is teaching me. Then I remember that it is not through my own works & will that I will come to know a changed heart but only through the power of the Holy Spirit in me will this work be carried to completion (Philippians 1:6).

Since my departure from the States 4 weeks ago, I have been seeking the Lord with one question always at the forefront of my thoughts. "So, God, I am here. Finally in Uganda. As I seek to serve you by serving others, how would you have me changed?" Little did I know what a loaded question that was.

As I began reading through the gospels, I found myself convicted by many things. "Maybe I'm reading through this too quickly," I thought. "The more I read each day, the more I feel like a failure. There are so many things in my heart & actions to be changed." But I kept reading and just accepted this oppressive weight of failure that seemed to grow each day as I read.

One thing stuck out above all else. Faith.

"Because you believed it has happened."

"Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!"

"Because of your faith it will happen."

"Your faith has made you well."

"You have so little faith. Why did you doubt me?"

"Your faith is great. Your request is granted."

"You don't have enough faith. I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from there to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible."

Time and again people are given as they ask because of their faith. And time and again Jesus rebukes his disciples, the very men who lived life alongside Jesus, for their lack of faith. This brought me to an uncomfortable place of self-examination.

Do I have faith enough that Jesus might heal me?

Do I have faith that can move mountains?

Or do I doubt and fear and discredit the power of Jesus that he would rebuke me for having small faith?

I like to think I always have an unwavering faith in my Lord, but I know this not to be true. I doubt. I fear. But my heart's desire is to dwell in a place of such intimate fellowship with God that my faith, hope, and joy can be in nothing apart from the very Creator and Sustainer himself. Then how to do that? How does one go about increasing their faith? How does one come to such a place? In my mind, the answer must be complex and difficult. But, as I came to discover, it is actually quite simple.

The Lord brought me to this passage in the book Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret some days after I began seeking for an answer.

"To let my loving Savior work in me him will, my sanctification, is what I would live for by his grace. Abiding, not striving nor struggling; looking off unto him; trusting him for present power;...resting in the love of an almighty Savior, in the joy of a complete salvation, 'from all sin' - this is not new, and yet 'tis new to me...How then to have our faith increased? Only by thinking of all that Jesus is and all he is for us: his life, his death, his work, he himself as revealed to us in the word, to be the subject of our constant thoughts. Not a striving to have faith...but a looking off to the faithful one seems all we need; a resting in the loved one entirely, for time and for eternity."

To abide in Christ. It sounds so glorious and yet so obscure.

That is when the Lord revealed to me in a new light the verse I have forever written on my wrist - "For I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live but Christ lives in me. And the life I live now in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20. My worldly, sinful self has been crucified, put to death. But the wonderful news of the gospel is that although I am dead, our Lord Jesus Christ is alive and kickin' inside me! Daily as I die to myself, only Christ living in me, the Holy Spirit, should be seen by the world. I am just a humbled and surrendered vessel by which the Spirit can work. So as I live each day here on earth I can live by faith in the Son of God who is alive inside of me - dwelling within me. The Holy Spirit dwells in me, and so I can rest in Him and His mighty power. I couldn't ask for a more intimate mingling with God, an intertwining of beings. And this makes me yearn all the more to fellowship with God in prayer and stillness as I rest in His presence, to awake during the early hours of the morning beaming with joy at the thought of spending more time with my God. Not only to know the Heavenly Father more deeply through prayer, but also to search His Holy Word left to us that I might grow in my knowledge of His character, works, commands, and example in Jesus Christ, this is my blessed privilege. Through these things I am learning now more than ever the joy of abiding in Christ.