Entering the uncomfortable

The Lord has called each of us to something spectacular - to glorify God with all we have and all we are.  Sometimes it doesn't feel very spectacular or profound.  Sometimes we can even be disappointed in where God has called us.  Often times when that is the case it is because we have given in to our self-centered human nature.  Glorifying God is not about what we want, what makes us happy or comfortable, or what is most convenient.  It is about humble service to others, intimacy with the Lord, being satisfied in Christ, and many times being uncomfortable.  It seems like the way I see God work over & over in my life is to push me to a place of complete discomfort and watch as it draws me nearer to Him.  I pray that one day the time will come when I have such intimacy with the Lord that my comfort or discomfort is no longer defined by my environment or circumstances but by dwelling in the presence of God.

This week I entered a new calling the Lord has brought me to - one that is unfamiliar and uncomfortable.  I started work as a nurse intern in the Emergency Department at Scott & White Memorial.

No, I will not have to boil my drinking water, learn to use a squatty potty, live with out air conditioning, or sleep under a mosquito net every night.  But I will encounter a new set of challenges.  I will see injustice, poverty, and abuse of many kinds.  I will struggle with judgement and pray for a heart full of mercy and compassion to each of my patients.  There are times I will be exhausted, put out, overwhelmed, and anxious.  I will be reminded of my weakness in the flesh.  I will be humbled, grow in patience, and hold tight to the grace of God.

God likes to change our plans.  I know I'm not the only one who can testify to that.  Instead of be frustrated with where you are right now, wishing things were different, or resisting the change, look ahead to the unexpected ways God is going to challenge you, grow you, and satisfy you more than any earthly thing you could want.  Don't get me wrong.  I am not saying it is all rainbows and roses.  Growth is difficult.  Being changed into the image of Christ is hard.  Dealing with pride, anger, selfishness, self-righteousness, complacency,  laziness, entitlement, and all the other sin in each of our hearts is painful.  Being put in a place of total reliance on the Lord can be scary.  But anything less than striving hard after God would be frivolous in comparison.

The constant in all the chaos

If I had to sum up the past couple months in one phrase...

A GLORIOUS WHIRLWIND OF CHANGE.

College graduation has come and gone.  It was a wonderful day of celebration with the sweet people in my life who have supported, loved, and encouraged me over the past 4 years.  I have a job as a nurse in the Emergency Department at Scott & White and will begin my internship on June 18th.  I have moved into a cozy, little apartment in Temple, finally finished unpacking, and have begun studying for my NCLEX nursing licensure exam.  But the days following graduation have not been what I expected.

Although this transition has been new & exciting, many days have been filled with loneliness, disappointment, frustration, guilt, exhaustion, uncertainty, doubt, and sadness.  I felt distant from God - at times for reasons I well know and other times for reasons I do not understand.  You know that feeling when it seems like you are so far gone from the Lord when just a few days before He seemed so near to your heart walking you through each moment - it is a horrible place to be.  I'm not sure how to describe it.  I just seemed to dwell in a state of frustrating discontentment every moment of every day.  And I hated it.

I have had days when I was discontent with everything about myself.  Days when I yearned to be on my way to a beautiful reunion with my precious babies in Uganda.  Days when I was so disgusted with my sinful self that I thought I might throw up.  Days when my shame  made me want to crawl under a rock and never come out.  Days when I felt wounded and broken.  Days when I was confused and overwhelmed wondering what will happen next.  Days when I was impatient, ungrateful, and just plain rude.  Days when my mouth seemed to have no filter and my heart seemed to have no grace.

I think we all have those times.

But just in the past few days the Lord has begun to show me his work in all this.

Sometimes I allow myself to entertain the illusion that I have things under control.  And oh, is that such an illusion!  If I was in control, my life would be one huge mess.  So really it is a blessing when the Lord allows things to happen that aren't according to my plan.  I need to be reminded of my complete dependence on the Lord.  For me that needs to be a frequent reminder because sometimes I try to be super woman.

I am such a wretched, evil person apart from Christ inside me.  It can be easy to forget that everything of me that is good, lovely, and noble is Jesus.  That self righteousness starts creeping inside my heart, and I don't even notice it.  But God does.  So in a way it is even a blessing to be faced with temptation as a reminder that only the Holy Spirit flourishing in my heart can overcome those selfish desires of my flesh.  There are times when those worldly desires get the best of me, and my human nature tries to push aside the overwhelming conviction I am faced with.  I have known that to happen too many times in my life, and, thank the Lord, the conviction will always become too great to ignore.  Enter: GRACE.  Oh, how sweet it is to know the truth of God's unconditional love and cleansing grace.  There is truly nothing in all this world like being forgiven of our transgressions and covered by grace, to feel the weight of guilt and disdain washed away only to be filled with joy, thanksgiving, and love.

As for the rest of life outside myself, I have even less control over any of that.  Circumstances can be turned around in an instant.  If I allow my attitude, my actions, or my life to be defined by whether life is running according to my plans, then I will be in for a world of hurt.  Whether I have to live on a tight budget, I have to do something I don't particularly enjoy, or I can't take my licensure exam as soon as I would like, God is still sovereign, and I am still called to live a life of worship that reflects Christ in all I do.

So I think in all the expected and unexpected, the Lord is showing me that no matter how much life changes, He will always be God, I will always be called above all else to seek & serve Him with my life, and I will always be dependent on Him to fulfill that calling.

An unexpected turn of events

It has been a while since I announced the wonderful news that God was leading me to move to Uganda and serve as a nurse. This period of silence on my part has not gone unnoticed. In fact, if I am honest I have been putting off writing this to you for a few weeks now but not for sake of busyness or procrastination. God has been doing some powerful, overwhelming things in my life that left me confused. But the time has come to share it with you, my sweet friends and wonderful family in Christ.

I can say that in the past couple months my love for the Lord has grown so great that my little heart wants to burst, and with that the love I have for my precious children in Uganda has only increased. I have not ceased to receive emails and messages anticipating my arrival. Several weeks ago the oldest of the girls, Fauziya, asked if she could have a cell phone. Mama Sara told her, "Fauziya, you don't need a phone! You don't have anyone to call. What would you do with it?" And Fauziya responded in a matter-of-fact tone, "I need to call Aunt Kelsey so I can tell her to hurry and come home." Oh, how I love each of those adorable little ones! I long to wrap my arms around them, hear their laughter fill the air, and kiss them each goodnight. That love the Lord has given me, the way He has knit my hearts with theirs as family, it has all made these recent days very trying. But the Lord has shown me that I must never forget He has filled me with His love so that I might glorify Him. Sometimes it can be easy to get caught up in emotions and lose sight of our sole purpose.

Love means obedience - obedience when it is frustrating, confusing, difficult, and even gut-wrenching. So it is only by the grace of God and his ever-increasing love inside me that I have submitted to God's guidance in my life. Through multiple separate instances that occurred very suddenly and within just a couple days of each other, I was forced to reevaluate my decision to move to Uganda after graduation. My church leadership and several sources of respected, godly counsel in my life have presented strong concerns about me moving to Uganda so soon. These people include physicians, nurses, parents, pastors, and dear friends who feel very strongly that I will be missing out on needed nursing experience as well as family time bonding with my newly adopted little brothers. So it is with a heavy heart and many tears that I have decided to remain in Texas for at least another year or two - whenever it is that the Lord is ready to launch me into a third world nation unreached with nursing care and the great news of Jesus Christ.

One of the many beautiful things about God is that He is so faithful to be our joy, comfort, and peace in the hardest time. I love experiencing God answer prayers, and that is just what He has done when He fills me with joy that otherwise would not be. I have come to know a joy and peace that are so much deeper than the lingering sadness from present circumstances. And I thank God because that is purely Jesus.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

What a faithfulness and glorious God we serve!

So, I know one of the next questions you probably want to know. What am I going to do now? Well, I am just a day away from completing and submitting job applications for 3 nursing internships: Scott & White Children's Hospital Emergency Department, Scott & White Children's Hospital acute care floor, and Scott & White Memorial Emergency Department (That's the big people hospital. Not kids.) I hope to be offered one of those internships and live in Temple. Then after beginning my nursing job I will start actively praying and searching for where the Lord would have me move overseas. So that's my tentative plan. It scares me to say it too many times because I think I can almost hear God chuckling up there. "Your plans, Kelsey. Haha! Just you wait and see what I have in store for you, my daughter." Whatever it is, I know it will be far more fabulous than I could ever imagine!

An answered prayer for an anxious heart

Here's a crazy cool God story for you.

Saturday evening, January 7th I got back to my apartment at UMHB after being home for a month, and all of a sudden as I sat alone in my apartment I got really homesick. I know. It sounds silly. I got a little teary-eyed, and then the thought popped in my hear, "How much more am I going to miss my family when I'm thousands of miles away from them for so long?" I started bawling in the middle of my apartment by myself, and the waterworks continued for quite a while. I started thinking, "Oh my goodness, what did I get myself into? Did I just make a huge mistake? God, what if this wasn't your plan? What if everything at Passion was my own emotions?" All these doubts started running through my mind. If this was a mistake then God isn't going to provide, and that will just show everyone that I'm being crazy and irresponsible.

After letting my mind run away with me for a little while, I decided I should pull out my Bible. Always a good idea =) So I spent a good amount of time sitting in the quiet stillness of my apartment praying and reading scripture. I read Psalm 34. It begins, "I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak his praises. I will boast only in the Lord; let all who are helpless take heart. Come, let us tell of the Lord's greatness; let us exalt his name together. I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces." And David continues on praising God for his goodness and proclaiming his faithfulness to his children. He speaks of our Heavenly Father as our refuge and protection, urging us to cry out to his because he hears us and cares for us. What a beautiful passage! It spoke to my doubting heart and calmed my fears just as the Lord promised. So I told God, "I know you are the one sending me to Uganda, and I know you will provide. But God, I just need some reassurance."

Fast forward two days later to Monday afternoon. The first day of class is over. One of my former instructors sees me visiting in another professor's office. She comes in, hands me a sealed envelope, and simply says, "That is for you. My mother wanted to give it to you before you left to Uganda for the summer but forgot. So that is for when you go back." I found that off with all things considered. At that point she would not have known I was already planning to move back after graduation. Surprised and a little confused, I graciously thanked her several times. Once I left the nursing building, I opened the envelope to find a check dated New Year's Eve (right before I arrived at the Passion 2012 Conference) written to me for $500 from a woman I have never met. And at that moment I felt God whisper to me deep down in my heart "See. I am faithful to provide for my children. I am faithful to provide for my will."

It gives me chills every time I think about it. Isn't that wonderful?!?! God is so good. I haven't even made the first effort to start raising funds. Bye golly, I hadn't hardly told anyone yet. But God, in his goodness, laid it on a sweet woman's heart to write out a check for $500 before he even spoke peace into my heart about moving in Uganda.

A wonderful way to begin a new year!

December 31st arrived, and that meant it was time to head to the Georgia Dome for Passion 2012 - 45,000 college-aged students from around the nation in one place to worship God. That is A LOT of people. God did some awesome things in those 4 days that will carry on for a lifetime to come. I got the blessing to hear what God was doing in the hearts of some other cool college kids in my glitter green family group. But I am just going to share what God did in my heart. When we got to Passion, I was in a funk that first night and then into the next day. You know when you just get in a funk? You feel weird, but you don't know why and you can't explain it. So I started getting these little moments of frustration. "God, why are all these kids around me raising there hands, singing their hearts out, hearing from you, being changes by your Holy Spirit, but I can't even manage to keep my mind focused to sing an entire song or follow a complete thought?" But I trusted that if I remained open, ready, and seeking then God would not be far from me.

On Tuesday afternoon, the second day, I got the chance to meet Beth Moore. Her ministry, Living Proof Ministries, graciously provided a scholarship to pay for my ticket at Passion, and she wanted to meet all the girls her ministry had sponsored. After hearing her speak God's encouraging truth into us, she gathered us close and prayed over us. She prayed passionately and powerfully that the Holy Spirit would do a mighty work in some of our hearts and that God would reveal himself in a new way to each of us during Passion, that we would not be bound by any fear or shame but boldly follow the Lord as women of God. I won't ever forget that prayer because that night God answered Beth's prayer in me. The last song before Francis Chan got up to speak, Christ Tomlin told us he wanted to bring some friends up on the stage. Out walks a worship leader from every country that was part of the Passion World Tour - worship leaders from Japan, France, Guatemala, Mexico, and...a worship choir from Uganda. I totally lost it - tears streaming down my face, I could hardly sing. You should see it for yourself. >> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqDSemdyKG0&feature=related

I don't know if you can relate to this, but I could just feel God stirring my heart. I have been praying since August that God would reveal to me the next step in the part my life plays in His glorious plan. Just the next step. And in that moment when over 45,000 children of God were praising Him in 5 languages and I couldn’t take my eyes off those beautiful chocolate-colored faces singing on stage, I could hear God saying "Kelsey, I want you to go back to Uganda." But all I could think is "Everyone keeps saying I need to stay. I don't want to say I'm moving to Uganda if this is all just emotions. What if I'm wrong? God, if you really want me to go then you will show me again and make it obvious." Well, let me tell you what happens when you say that to God. Francis Chan got up to preach, and he talked about how we underestimate how big God is and the powerful things he can do. He read passages in the Bible that are filled with proof that God can do great and mighty things beyond what we would ever expect, but we lack faith in Him. If we just lived straight from what the Bible told us and had faith that God can do more than we could ever ask or imagine, then crazy things would happen! The whole time as I am listening to Francis, God is telling me, "See, Kelsey. Look how big I am. Just follow my lead, go to Uganda, and I will provide." Then Chris Tomlin gets back up and begins singing a song (and I've never heard it before that night) that says

I will follow you, I will follow you. No turning back, no turning back.

With the cross before me, with the world behind me,

I will forsake all else and follow you. No turning back.

At first I refused to sing it, like it was a binding contract with God that I would move back to Uganda after graduation. I started getting all teary-eyed again because I could feel God saying stronger now, "I want you to go." And I felt something settle on me, overwhelming peace. And even though there was a part of me that was scared I was still at peace. It sounds odd, I know. I kept thinking "Oh gosh. I think that was God making it obvious..." But just in case I wasn't sure yet, Francis Chan starting talking again in the middle of the song. He said, "I know right now God is calling some of you to do some crazy, radical things, and the enemy is going to try to hold you back. But don't let anything hold you back. God is so much bigger than anything Satan can throw at you."....."Alright. Thanks, God. I got it now." Don't pray that God make something obvious unless you really want Him to.

So, surprise!!

I am moving back to Uganda after graduation.

Or maybe that isn’t a surprise some of you at all.

I will be nurse & mommy to 13 precious orphans at Rafiki Africa Ministries Children’s Home where I served last summer.

*more information to come*

What to say

I don't know if it's still normal to feel at a loss for words when I think of the precious time I spent in Africa. But that pretty well describes me.

My mind & heart are still processing everything. I often have this feeling of unsettledness that is difficult to understand unless you've experienced it yourself. I think I may always feel like this until I'm back overseas where God has called me working as a nurse with the underprivileged & impoverished. But all the same, for now I am a senior nursing student at University of Mary-Hardin Baylor trapped in the confinements of school at least until May. After that...well, only God knows.

A few days ago I found myself wishing so badly that there was someone who understood, someone who knew all the stories, all the sights, all the feelings, all the chaos that stirs inside me. I can spend hours & hours sharing with someone, and it is still just a drop in the bucket. But then a little light bulb came on inside me, something I had always known but this time it seemed to give me great comfort - God knows. He is the only one who was there with me then and is still just as near to me now. He carried me through the hardest of times there just as He will here. And that is enough for me.

I've spent time this week reflecting and praying about what to share in front of people when I talk about Africa, but like I said when you're at a loss for words it just feels like you're going in circles. Someone told me to tell stories that reflect God's work in Africa. There are too many to tell. But I have discovered that more words aren't necessarily better. So I just pray that no matter what I say, God's power & heart will be seen through the stories.

Honest thoughts.

When I wake up in the morning it is so quiet. Part of me prays that I can open the door to my 12 little kids waiting to run to me and give me good morning hugs.

Mixed emotions bubble up inside me when I get a children's song stuck in my head in Luganda. They always sang the same songs for devotion time, but I never stopped enjoying them.

Play dough, coloring, and legos are very therapeutic.

I miss the little mouths open wide expectantly waiting for a bite of my yogurt at breakfast time.

The kids got excited over the littlest things: a slice of pizza for dinner, sitting on their pillows for movie night, cinnamon sugar popcorn, washing their toys, pressing the Reverse button on the sewing machine.

Driving home several days ago I saw rays of sunshine streaming through the clouds, and the first thing I heard in the back of my mind was "Jesus is coming! Look, it's Jesus. He's coming back!!" That's what the kids say when they see sunlight beaming down. I couldn't help but cry.

Baking is so much more fun with a dozen little Ugandan assistants.

Good night kisses were one of the times I looked forward to and cherished every night. Hearing the words “I love you, Aunt Kelsey” as each of them puckered up to return my good night kiss would always put a smile on my face, EVEN if I had smacked my head on the bunk bed frame.

When the older kids came home from school, the first thing they asked me after giving me a hug was “Homework after nap, Aunt Kelsey?” I’ve never seen kids ask me to make them homework.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by all the white skin around me.

Air conditioning gets too cold for me really quickly. But I can hardly stand this Texas heat.

Who knew I would ever crave rice, beans, and matoke? And I want some passion fruit so badly!

Movies just aren’t the same without Carol, Don, or Jerom cuddled up in my lap. And I can't watch Princess & the Frog without thinking of them all dressed in their pajamas with their precious faces glued to the television.

After I shower, there is no one to rub my shaved legs, smell the lotion on my hands, and play with my wet hair.

I hate always looking at my watch, feeling rushed, and being busy all day long. In Uganda there were many days when I would enjoy just sitting in front of the house having imaginary tea & chapatis and rolling a football around for hours.

I still can't manage to remember to put on my seat beat and always drive on the right side of the road.

The stars were so bright in Malikini. It was breath-taking.

It just doesn't seem fair to my human reasoning that a 15-yr-old girl should die so young of heart & kidney failure.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about the patients I met - if they have found peace & healing, if they are alone & afraid, if they're still alive.

I confess that multiple times a day I count forward 8 hours and try to imagine what my kids are doing at this moment. I wonder if they think of me, if they miss me like I miss them.

Despite all these thoughts, missing everything about Africa, and often feeling like an emotional basketcase, I am filled with joy & thankfulness when I look back on all the miraculous things I saw God do. That gives me hope.

On the brighter side, little things I'm thankful for:

Fabric softener, shower curtains, pest control, a coffee maker, milk that doesn't come in a bag, reliable power, toilets that flush every time, outlets that don't require converters & a surge protector, a ceiling fan in my bedroom. Family - the ones I share blood with and the ones I share Christ with. Hugs from sweet friends when there are no words that can be said. A Bible that I can always open and find a warm feeling of comfort & familiarity no matter what country I'm in.