What to say

I don't know if it's still normal to feel at a loss for words when I think of the precious time I spent in Africa. But that pretty well describes me.

My mind & heart are still processing everything. I often have this feeling of unsettledness that is difficult to understand unless you've experienced it yourself. I think I may always feel like this until I'm back overseas where God has called me working as a nurse with the underprivileged & impoverished. But all the same, for now I am a senior nursing student at University of Mary-Hardin Baylor trapped in the confinements of school at least until May. After that...well, only God knows.

A few days ago I found myself wishing so badly that there was someone who understood, someone who knew all the stories, all the sights, all the feelings, all the chaos that stirs inside me. I can spend hours & hours sharing with someone, and it is still just a drop in the bucket. But then a little light bulb came on inside me, something I had always known but this time it seemed to give me great comfort - God knows. He is the only one who was there with me then and is still just as near to me now. He carried me through the hardest of times there just as He will here. And that is enough for me.

I've spent time this week reflecting and praying about what to share in front of people when I talk about Africa, but like I said when you're at a loss for words it just feels like you're going in circles. Someone told me to tell stories that reflect God's work in Africa. There are too many to tell. But I have discovered that more words aren't necessarily better. So I just pray that no matter what I say, God's power & heart will be seen through the stories.

Honest thoughts.

When I wake up in the morning it is so quiet. Part of me prays that I can open the door to my 12 little kids waiting to run to me and give me good morning hugs.

Mixed emotions bubble up inside me when I get a children's song stuck in my head in Luganda. They always sang the same songs for devotion time, but I never stopped enjoying them.

Play dough, coloring, and legos are very therapeutic.

I miss the little mouths open wide expectantly waiting for a bite of my yogurt at breakfast time.

The kids got excited over the littlest things: a slice of pizza for dinner, sitting on their pillows for movie night, cinnamon sugar popcorn, washing their toys, pressing the Reverse button on the sewing machine.

Driving home several days ago I saw rays of sunshine streaming through the clouds, and the first thing I heard in the back of my mind was "Jesus is coming! Look, it's Jesus. He's coming back!!" That's what the kids say when they see sunlight beaming down. I couldn't help but cry.

Baking is so much more fun with a dozen little Ugandan assistants.

Good night kisses were one of the times I looked forward to and cherished every night. Hearing the words “I love you, Aunt Kelsey” as each of them puckered up to return my good night kiss would always put a smile on my face, EVEN if I had smacked my head on the bunk bed frame.

When the older kids came home from school, the first thing they asked me after giving me a hug was “Homework after nap, Aunt Kelsey?” I’ve never seen kids ask me to make them homework.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by all the white skin around me.

Air conditioning gets too cold for me really quickly. But I can hardly stand this Texas heat.

Who knew I would ever crave rice, beans, and matoke? And I want some passion fruit so badly!

Movies just aren’t the same without Carol, Don, or Jerom cuddled up in my lap. And I can't watch Princess & the Frog without thinking of them all dressed in their pajamas with their precious faces glued to the television.

After I shower, there is no one to rub my shaved legs, smell the lotion on my hands, and play with my wet hair.

I hate always looking at my watch, feeling rushed, and being busy all day long. In Uganda there were many days when I would enjoy just sitting in front of the house having imaginary tea & chapatis and rolling a football around for hours.

I still can't manage to remember to put on my seat beat and always drive on the right side of the road.

The stars were so bright in Malikini. It was breath-taking.

It just doesn't seem fair to my human reasoning that a 15-yr-old girl should die so young of heart & kidney failure.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about the patients I met - if they have found peace & healing, if they are alone & afraid, if they're still alive.

I confess that multiple times a day I count forward 8 hours and try to imagine what my kids are doing at this moment. I wonder if they think of me, if they miss me like I miss them.

Despite all these thoughts, missing everything about Africa, and often feeling like an emotional basketcase, I am filled with joy & thankfulness when I look back on all the miraculous things I saw God do. That gives me hope.

On the brighter side, little things I'm thankful for:

Fabric softener, shower curtains, pest control, a coffee maker, milk that doesn't come in a bag, reliable power, toilets that flush every time, outlets that don't require converters & a surge protector, a ceiling fan in my bedroom. Family - the ones I share blood with and the ones I share Christ with. Hugs from sweet friends when there are no words that can be said. A Bible that I can always open and find a warm feeling of comfort & familiarity no matter what country I'm in.

Faces of Jesus

While I was in Africa I saw reflections of Jesus in the faces of the beautiful people around me. Their miraculous stories, sweet spirits, and acts of love reflect God in all His glory & majesty. And I miss those faces.

Faces of Blessings

Face of Thankfulness

Face of Hope

Face of Kindness

Face of Joy

Face of Faithfulness

Face of Poverty

Face of Beauty

Face of Laughter

Face of Injustice

Face of Friendship

Face of Gentleness

Faces of Love

Faces of God's Provision

Home is where the heart is. And I left my heart in Africa.

It's been 9 days since I left Africa.

The reason my entries have become few & far between is simply a lack of words. No writing can do justice to the power of God I have seen at work. And that has been the same case since I have been back in the States. People ask about my summer, about Africa, but I don't know what to say. Half of me is a beaming smile when I think of the past 3 months, and the other half of me is a river of tears. I know. Sounds bipolar. But some of you may understand where I am coming from.

I haven't felt like myself for the past 9 days. It's like I'm a zombie going through the motions that I know so well, but my heart & mind are still an ocean away. I thought I was coming home, but now that I'm back it feels like I left my home in Africa. I keep wondering how long this will last. When will things begin to feel normal again?

For several days since I've been back to school, I have tried not to think about how lonely I feel. I've tried not to think too much about my precious kids, my friends, and all the sweet patients I met. It worked for a little while. But today is different for some reason. The memories are so vivid I can't ignore them. They make my heart hurt. A lot.

It tore me up to hear that all my kids got sick soon after I left Uganda. They are my babies, and I left them. I wasn't there when they needed me.

And then I think of the patients I met.

Baby Simon was just a few months old and so so sick - dying of AIDS. I felt so useless that day at the clinic. I had malaria but couldn't lay in bed for another minute or I'd go crazy. So I sat in the pharmacy. A young woman came in with her baby who needed medication. I held my arms out and asked if I could hold him. His eyes were glassy & could hardly focus, his tiny body was burning up, and his lymph nodes were so swollen I thought he had masses growing on his neck. Dr Ricky came in, and I asked what was wrong with the baby. "He has AIDS and is very sick. He probably won't make it much longer." Then he told me to give the baby 5mL Bactrim suspension. Simon's tonsils & lymph nodes were so swollen that he couldn't swallow or even cry. So I spent at least 15 minutes squirting small amounts of Bactrim in his mouth with a syringe and blowing on his face trying in vain to get the poor baby to swallow his medication. All the while I kept praying, "Lord, please help this baby boy. He needs a miracle." Today I keep wondering whether Simon is still alive.

That is just one of so many stories of people whose lives intersected with mine, maybe just for a short while, but all the same they have changed me. Now I am supposed to figure out how my time in Africa fits together with my life here in Texas. And I feel so lost.

My only comfort is that even when everything else seems foreign, God will always be familiar and near to me.

Stories of poverty

Every day God is opening my eyes more & more to the heartbreaking realities of extreme poverty in Uganda. It breaks my heart. There have been so many times in the past two weeks that I've wanted to cry out of sheer heartache for these people.

I know so many statistics on health disparities in Africa. I've seen pictures and heard stories. But to see these people right in front of me - it's so different.

They aren't just statistics on infant & maternal mortality rates anymore. I see faces, a woman standing next to me telling me about the dead baby she delivered at home a couple weeks ago with tears rolling down her cheeks. She had a severe, infected laceration that she had yet to see a doctor about because she has no money.

They aren't just numbers of children who die of preventable & treatable diseases each year. They each have a name - Corcus. He has spinal TB, a father dying of AIDS, and a mother who will openly admit she doesn't love him. This disease could very well kill him because there is no one to care for him properly and take him to the hospital for regular treatment. Instead his mother uses him to get food handouts while she leaves him to slowly die of TB.

They aren't just numbers of child soldiers. They are each precious children of God who have been stripped of family, home, and childhood to the scars of unspeakable evils.

I could tell you story after story and show you pictures of the horrible injustices that plague my thoughts every night.

Life in the slums. But no picture can do justice to the poverty.

Little Corcus. For me it was love at first sight.

I don't understand how anyone could not love this precious face.

I don't even know what to feel about all this. Burdened, angry, hopeless, angry, heartbroken, numb. At first I tried to distance myself from it because I knew it could get overwhelming if I let every story, every patient get to me. But how can I distance myself from these beautiful people who are in such dire need? And when they are right in front of me one after another after another?

It has been a blessing to be a part of the medical clinics reaching out to offer medical care to refugees, child soldiers, orphans, outcasts, and the impoverished, but it has left me with a heavy heart and a river of tears shed for these beautiful people.

My only solace in all this is the hope I have found in the Lord.

"O Sovereign Lord! You made the heavens and earth by your strong hand and powerful arm. Nothing is too hard for you!" Jeremiah 32:17

God is greater.

The beautiful busyness of being a missionary

I admit to being horrible about updating recently. Guilty. The days just seem to get busier all the time. Not that I'm complaining! It has been a beautiful busyness. God never cease to amaze me by His perfect planning. I am learning to take life one day at a time and know that God will give me the grace to walk through each day with His unfailing love, abounding joy, surpassing peace, unwavering patience, tender mercy, and servant heart.

Other than the regular craziness of caring for 11 children, Don has gotten special attention this week because he had dental surgery on Tuesday morning - 16 teeth extracted. And he has been such a trooper through the whole thing! It took 3 sticks for the anesthesiologist to start an IV on him. After the first stick, he continued to sit there completely cooperative without fighting back at all, but that made it all the worse when he looked up at me with tears welling up in those big brown eyes and said "Auntie Kelsey" in the most pathetically expectant voice like I was supposed to save him. The procedure went well overall, and Don's recovery has gone so much better than Michelle or I ever expected. The dentist prescribed him amoxicillin to clear up the infection in his mouth & prevent any further infection and for pain he prescribed ibuprofen. Ibuprofen for a 2-yr-old who just had 16 teeth pulled out! I thought he was crazy and tried to prepare myself for several days of crying in pain. But I am so proud of how brave Don has been. Other than about a 30-minute window when the local anesthesia was wearing off, he hasn't cried at all. We gave him 2 doses of ibuprofen on Tuesday, just one dose on Wednesday, and he hasn't needed any pain medication since then. He is one tough little boy!

Afternoons with the kids are especially busy since I started doing homework with them most every day. And the best part is they enjoy it so much that they wake up from nap asking for their work! I've made different worksheets on the computer (which they think is super cool since all their work from school is hand written by the teachers) based on concepts that each of the kids needs to work on. Let me tell you, I've definitely come to learn that teaching is NOT what God has called me to. But Michelle & I will continue to work with them on school work until we leave.

I also go running every afternoon that I can. It has been such a wonderful release =) Not the same as running back home, but I still enjoy it. I have to get back in running shape because I'll be running a 5K here in Uganda on July 24. And I'm going to have the cutest little cheerleaders ever! When I come downstairs in my tennis shoes & wind pants the kids know I'm going running. And when I get back they all say "Auntie Kelsey, I want to run with you." It's so cute!

I say things have been unusually busy lately, and the biggest reason for that is the MEDICAL CLINICS. Michelle & I have been blessed to team up with a volunteer team that has come to Uganda for 2 weeks to hold free medical clinics. It has been very different than expected but absolutely wonderful.

I will hold off on sharing about the medical clinics for now because I should probably be getting to sleep. We have a huge clinic day tomorrow, and I need all the rest I can get.

My treasure. My model. My love. My Savior.

Never has anyone given up so much. He renounced the joys of heaven for the sorrows of earth, exchanging an eternal immunity to the approach of sin for painful contact with evil in this world. He was born of a lowly Hebrew mother in a dirty stable in the insignificant village of Bethlehem. He became a refugee baby in Egypt. He was brought up in the obscure hamlet of Nazareth, and toiled at a carpenter's bench to support his mother and the other children in their home. In due time he became an itinerant preacher, with few possessions, small comforts and no home. He made friends with simple fishermen and publicans. He touched lepers and allowed harlots to touch him. He gave himself away in a ministry of healing, helping, teaching and preaching. He was misunderstood and misrepresented, and became the victim of men's prejudices and vested interests. He was despised and rejected by his own people, and deserted by his own friends. He gave his back to be flogged, his face to be spat upon, his head to be crowned with thorns, his hands and feet to be nailed to a common Roman gallows. And as the cruel spikes were driven home, he kept praying for his tormentors, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do."

This utter disregard of self in the service of God and man is what the Bible calls love. The worst of men is adorned by an occasional flash of such nobility, but the life of Jesus irradiated it with a never-fading incandescent glow.

Humbling. Inspiring.

*The above excerpt was taken from Basic Christianity by John Stott.

I want to make a baby!

Here are some of my favorite moments here so far.

- Teaching the kids how to two-step to country music this weekend. They especially liked the twirling.

- Watching the kids' excitement at learning how to make s'mores.

- Rainy afternoons cuddled up on the couch with the kids watching movies.

- When all the the kids are laying in bed at night calling for me to come give them good night kisses. And then they give me a kiss back and tell me "I love you, Mama Kelsey".

- Watching the kids eat slippery spaghetti noodles when Michelle & I cook spaghetti for dinner. It makes me laugh every time.

- Sewing with the girls as they patiently watch me and wait to help.

- Picking out their church clothes on Saturday night andthen dressing them up all cute in the morning! The boys' sweater vests have to be my favorite.

- When Michelle & I took our first day off. We took a boda boda (motorcycle taxi) into town and spent the morning shopping at an African market. Then we had lunch at the Garden City mall, came back home, and watched a movie for the afternoon. I had so much fun enjoying the company of my wonderful roommate =)

- There are lots more, but I'll stop there for now.

I love these kids so much it's ridiculous!

Best kids' quotes:

6. "Aunt Kelsey, Enkuba is coming! Enkuba is coming!" -Esther. Enkuba means rain. Esther will run up to me all excited yelling this as it's pouring rain outside. I always laugh and tell her, "Umm I think the rain is already here."

5. "I want to eat brownie & popcorn, and then watch movie and sit on my pillow. I want to do that again, Aunt Kelsey." -Oscar. We had a movie night, and Oscar really enjoyed it. He thought sitting on his pillow when we made a pallet was so cool!

4. Jerom's accent is absolutely precious. My favorites are the way he says freckle - "furkle" - and he pronounces my name "Aunt Kelotsey".

3. "Aunt Kelsey, I love you." -Oscar. The reason I love this so much is because he was taking his dishes to the kitchen and stopped just to tell me that. And the beautiful smile on his face made it that much better!

2. "You mama. Mama Kelsey." -Annet. I'm a mama now =)

1. "I want to make a baby, Aunt Kelsey!" -Oscar. We were playing with their new play dough, and I had made a baby out of play dough for Annet.

Love is patient.

For the past 2 weeks God has begun teaching me about LOVE in a whole new way.

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient..."

K, stop there. I'm sure many of you could continue reciting the rest of 1 Corinthians 13 by heart. It is a wonderful, powerful passage that challenges me with every word to change the way I relate to the world. I wrote before about how God was speaking to me about my faith. My prayer is to have a faith in the Lord that can move mountains, and it references that very thing at the beginning of 1 Corinthians 13. It doesn't matter if I have faith to move mountains, I could have faith to shatter entire galaxies, but if I haven't loved others with the same love that Christ has shown me, faith means nothing. Wow. Powerful.

So about 2 weeks ago after I studied that passage I began praying this passage.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with the power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpassed knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of Christ." Ephesians 3:16-19

No extra explanation needed.

So as I have been praying to be filled to overflowing with the unconditional love and everlasting joy of Christ that comes through the Holy Spirit, I have continued to study and contemplate the verses that follow in 1 Corinthians 13. And that brings me to the portion I stopped at.

"Love is patient."

I have never considered myself a particularly impatient person. But you never know a person's true character until you turn up the heat and watch how they respond. So I think that's what God decided to do to me. (Literally! I'm practically sweating all the time.)

Yesterday marked 5 weeks that I have been here in Uganda. After 5 weeks, things aren't all flowers, rainbows, and smiley faces all the time. I feel at home here, and I love that. But being at home has its up sides and down sides. I said I never saw myself as particularly impatient, but my patience has never been tested like it has these past 5 weeks. Anyone who knows me knows I have plenty of experience working with kids in lots of different settings - childcare, preschool, swim lessons, VBS, summer camp. But none of those involve living with almost a dozen kids 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for 5 weeks. This is a new experience for me.

There are many moments each day I find myself stopping to ask the Lord for the same patient and gracious love He shows me. And it is beautiful watching how God changes my heart. The same tasks that were grating on my nerves become a delight to me. The things that made me want to pull my hair out now seem humorous.

Changing the sheets after Don wets his bed is a chance to see how helpful he can be making his bed and an opportunity to dote on him for a job well done. Picking up toys is a time to sing together and work as a team, and then everyone gets a high-five when it's done. Helping the kids get dressed shows me more of their individual personalities when Esther wants something purple, Brenda wants to be different, and Fauziya doesn't care as long as I say it looks pretty. Folding laundry with the little kids becomes a fun game of matching pajama tops & bottoms. Brushing teeth is always crazy, but most of the time the kids will behave when they know they'll get good night kisses from Aunt Kelsey once they get in bed. When I find one of the kids eating rocks or keeping the rest of their breakfast sausage in their pocket for later, I can laugh about it and loving correct them. The girls are learning when they calmly stand next to my chair and watch me sew, they get to cut the thread and press the reverse button on the machine.

For the past 7 days the power has been out at least 10 hours every day, if not more. Something that might seem to become increasingly frustrating. But instead God has given me an appreciation for candle-lit dinners, a new affinity for spending hours reading by flashlight, and thankfulness for the few hours that power is available.

11 little children can create a large amount of noise. It seems that someone is always crying or whining about something. Everyone is hyperactive and eager to be as close to Aunt Kelsey as possible whether that means pulling, pushing, tugging, or climbing. Add the beating afternoon sun of Uganda to this equation, and you've got a potential for disaster. Or imagine trying to find clothes to fit 5 naked boys with no power, no light, wet towels flying every which way, and screaming from all directions. Assisting with homework can also be quite the challenge. The kids bring home homework that never really makes sense to me. It's all hand-written, and when I ask them, "So what are you supposed to do?" they just look up at me with a blank stare. Last night I tried in vain for half an hour to teach Joshua how to read the words cut, but, gun, pug, fuss, mud, bud, and gut.

I say all this with gladness because I have come to rejoice in the truth that when impatience threatens to get the best of me, the Holy Spirit is greater than all my frustrations. He fills me with abounding joy and love that overcomes impatience.

To have faith that moves mountains.

I am going to attempt to explain some of what God has been at work teaching me during the past several weeks. Bear with me, as I'm sure many of you can agree, I don't think any words can fully describe the workings of God.

My heart and head having been always working in the recent weeks, trying to work out all that my Heavenly Father is teaching me. Then I remember that it is not through my own works & will that I will come to know a changed heart but only through the power of the Holy Spirit in me will this work be carried to completion (Philippians 1:6).

Since my departure from the States 4 weeks ago, I have been seeking the Lord with one question always at the forefront of my thoughts. "So, God, I am here. Finally in Uganda. As I seek to serve you by serving others, how would you have me changed?" Little did I know what a loaded question that was.

As I began reading through the gospels, I found myself convicted by many things. "Maybe I'm reading through this too quickly," I thought. "The more I read each day, the more I feel like a failure. There are so many things in my heart & actions to be changed." But I kept reading and just accepted this oppressive weight of failure that seemed to grow each day as I read.

One thing stuck out above all else. Faith.

"Because you believed it has happened."

"Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!"

"Because of your faith it will happen."

"Your faith has made you well."

"You have so little faith. Why did you doubt me?"

"Your faith is great. Your request is granted."

"You don't have enough faith. I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from there to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible."

Time and again people are given as they ask because of their faith. And time and again Jesus rebukes his disciples, the very men who lived life alongside Jesus, for their lack of faith. This brought me to an uncomfortable place of self-examination.

Do I have faith enough that Jesus might heal me?

Do I have faith that can move mountains?

Or do I doubt and fear and discredit the power of Jesus that he would rebuke me for having small faith?

I like to think I always have an unwavering faith in my Lord, but I know this not to be true. I doubt. I fear. But my heart's desire is to dwell in a place of such intimate fellowship with God that my faith, hope, and joy can be in nothing apart from the very Creator and Sustainer himself. Then how to do that? How does one go about increasing their faith? How does one come to such a place? In my mind, the answer must be complex and difficult. But, as I came to discover, it is actually quite simple.

The Lord brought me to this passage in the book Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret some days after I began seeking for an answer.

"To let my loving Savior work in me him will, my sanctification, is what I would live for by his grace. Abiding, not striving nor struggling; looking off unto him; trusting him for present power;...resting in the love of an almighty Savior, in the joy of a complete salvation, 'from all sin' - this is not new, and yet 'tis new to me...How then to have our faith increased? Only by thinking of all that Jesus is and all he is for us: his life, his death, his work, he himself as revealed to us in the word, to be the subject of our constant thoughts. Not a striving to have faith...but a looking off to the faithful one seems all we need; a resting in the loved one entirely, for time and for eternity."

To abide in Christ. It sounds so glorious and yet so obscure.

That is when the Lord revealed to me in a new light the verse I have forever written on my wrist - "For I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live but Christ lives in me. And the life I live now in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20. My worldly, sinful self has been crucified, put to death. But the wonderful news of the gospel is that although I am dead, our Lord Jesus Christ is alive and kickin' inside me! Daily as I die to myself, only Christ living in me, the Holy Spirit, should be seen by the world. I am just a humbled and surrendered vessel by which the Spirit can work. So as I live each day here on earth I can live by faith in the Son of God who is alive inside of me - dwelling within me. The Holy Spirit dwells in me, and so I can rest in Him and His mighty power. I couldn't ask for a more intimate mingling with God, an intertwining of beings. And this makes me yearn all the more to fellowship with God in prayer and stillness as I rest in His presence, to awake during the early hours of the morning beaming with joy at the thought of spending more time with my God. Not only to know the Heavenly Father more deeply through prayer, but also to search His Holy Word left to us that I might grow in my knowledge of His character, works, commands, and example in Jesus Christ, this is my blessed privilege. Through these things I am learning now more than ever the joy of abiding in Christ.

When there are no words

I have so many things to say and feel like I have no words to express them.

A summary of my past 2 weeks:

Played with lots of babies at Sanyu Babies' Home.

Walked through the largest slum in Kampala. What an eye-opening, heart-breaking experience.

Got kicked out of a Ugandan hospital.

Visited a rehabilitation center for disabled children.

Did some grocery shopping and experienced my first open-air market in Africa.

Rode 6 hours one-way to finally meet my sweet Compassion child, Emitu Leonard, and his family.

Spoke to a crowd of over 400 Ugandan children and many of their parents. With no heads up.

Got the chance to be the first white person ever seen by probably over a hundred children. Talk about staring.

Ate fried ants. Tasted kinda like sunflower seeds.

Saw the beginning of the Nile River. Absolutely beautiful.

Rode another 6 hours one-way through the breath-taking scenery of western Uganda.

Saw antelopes, water boar, Cape buffalo, wart hogs, a lion, hippos, crocodiles, monkeys, zebras, and a grand total of over 37 elephants. I know you're jealous, Katie.

Was in both the northern & southern hemispheres at the SAME time.

Learned to make chapatis (who knows if I spelled that right).

Baked cookies with 11 children.

Watched Princess and the Frog for the first time...and the second, third, fourth, and fifth times.

Play dough, sidewalk chalk outlines, the Hokey Pokey, Bible memory verses, coloring pages, relay races, spaghetti, pancakes, organizing toys, sorting clothes, and plenty of first aid. I can't decide if I'm feeling more like a preschool teacher or a mom.

I'm not going to lie. Despite all the wonderful excitement and new experiences, I have been struggling with some home sickness. I think it's just the realization of how long I am actually going to be here. And it is just beginning which can be upsetting and exciting at the same time. But God is so faithful to overcome my homesickness with joy in Him and His wonderful works - the works of His hands through creation, the reflection of His image through a child, the reminder of His faithfulness through the prayers of so many people. And He always brings me back to the purpose for which He has called me here - for His glory and namesake which is far greater than my desire for comfort or even my love for family.

In all this, my heart has been...waiting. Waiting on the Lord and searching. But searching for what, I'm not sure. It's hard to put into words. Through reading the gospels and going through a weekly study called Gospel in Life by Timothy Keller, God has been opening my eyes to so many things. And then through my experiences here in Uganda, God is teaching me something every day. I am trying to take it all in and process everything, but I guess my heart & mind are overwhelmed, not in a bad way. Just overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by God - His grace, His love, His power, His compassion, His heart, His call on me. It leaves me all very humbled. And speechless.

So for now I will just continue each morning to devote my days to the Lord and seek Him in all things, through all things, and for all things. And I trust that, although I may not understand right now what God is doing inside of me, it will be glorious and beautiful.

First Days in Africa.

I don't even know what to say. I must admit I have felt like one big emotional mess the past week. I have this knack for completely losing it in airports, and that didn't fail me on Wednesday & Thursday as I traveled. But the Lord is always so faithful to pour out His peace & joy on me.

I'm here. In Uganda. It still blows my mind! I arrived on Friday morning, safe and relatively rested (or so I thought). I kept wondering when it would become reality to me that I was coming to Uganda, and I don't think it happened until the plane landed on the runway and I looked out the window. My heart began to race with excitement, and it took all the self-control I had not to unbuckle my seatbelt right there & run to the front of the plane to be the very first one off.

Joseph & Sara picked me up at the airport, and on the way to the Rafiki Home they told me that the night before they had received two more children, Carol & Don, both 2 1/2 yrs old. I could hardly contain my excitement to meet the kids that I've been praying for and thinking of the past 5 months! As we got closer to the home I felt this nervousness building inside me, but it was a wonderful nervous excitement that makes your whole body shake & your stomach so hyperactive with butterflies you think you might just throw up. The gate opened, and Joseph pulled in & parked the car. "We're here." Before I could get out and walk around the car, I was greeted with hugs by the beautiful smiling faces from the picture hanging on my bulletin board at school. Absolutely surreal moment. I walked inside and sat down on the floor to play with the kids. Before I knew what was going on, I was swarmed by kids! The 2 coolest things about me at that point: my watch that glows & beeps and my long, curly mzungu hair. My white skin comes in a close third behind those. I felt a little like an interactive zoo exhibit as they pulled my wrist every which direction, pulled at my hair, and petted my white arms. But I loved it and wouldn't have wanted anything different. I could see how excited they were, and I was even more excited than all of them combined! We spent the rest of the day playing as I learned their daily routine. Thank the Lord they have rest time in their beds after lunch because I was definitely in need of a nap!

Saturday morning I woke up & took a refreshingly cold shower. Boy, it felt nice to be clean! I came downstairs and didn't have to wait but a few seconds before I was met by lots of little children in their pajamas jumping up & down with excitement to see me. "Good morning, Auntie Kelsey" they all chanted as they pulled at my dress to give me hugs. That put a huge smile on my face =)

On Sunday I went to my first African church service. Joseph, Sara, his brothers Godfry & Moses, and all the kids attend Watoto Church. It is a huge church in Kampala not far from the Rafiki Home. I was surprised to find out it is English-speaking and very excited to discover the building is open-air. Without air conditioning here I feel like I am constantly sweating, but I'm beginning to get used to it. The worst part is going to bed sweating. But anyway, the church service was great! My favorite part was during worship when we sang To Know Your Name. It was amazing to sing a song I know so well with fellow believers in Uganda. Just another wonderful reminder that God is God of all people & all nations.

What a beautiful mess.

First off: Praise the Lord, 100% of my summer is funded! What wonderful news that was to finally hear. I'm not going to lie I got a bit teary-eyed. God has provided in so many unexpected & wonderful ways. The body of Christ is a beautiful thing. I am forever thankful to all the people that gave out of the generosity of their hearts so that God's love & hope may be known & felt by the people whose lives will cross mine in Uganda & Kenya.

Not much longer. Only 10 days and I will be flying to Uganda. Goodness, how the days & weeks have seemed to fly by so quickly. Doesn't is always feel like you're looking back wondering where the time has gone? I am praying that time begins to slow down so I can cherish every moment of this summer.

You know when you're looking forward to something and you try to picture what it will be like in your mind? I have no idea what to picture. I often find myself thinking of the faces of the 9 beautiful orphans I will be living with, but past that I don't know what is in store for me this summer. I'm sure there will be lots of smiles, hugs, joy, laughter, tears, bug spray, baby wipes, sunscreen, bucket showers, medication, rice & beans, dirty feet, sticky mouths, growing, and learning. Oh, the learning. I can hardly wait.

Saying things have been pretty crazy lately would be an understatement. I have been one busy, tired, emotional, worrisome, doubting, confused mess of a person. But now more than ever I have come to appreciate how this beautiful mess is used by God.

The Bible is full of stories of people who were a beautiful mess and how God worked in them & through them for His glory. That is the story of grace.

God doesn't want me to have it all together. He wants me to come to Him each morning when I wake and cling to Him with all that I am for all that I need.

Because if I was never scared I wouldn't need His peace.

If I was never doubtful I wouldn't need His assurance.

If I was need worried I wouldn't need His calm.

If I was never confused I wouldn't need His truth.

If I was never tired I wouldn't need His strength.

If I was never busy I wouldn't need His rest.

If I was never discouraged I wouldn't need Him to lift me up.

So I have learned that it's okay to be all of those things. Because God is greater than it all.

It's those times when I'm a completely broken mess

that I see God in wonderful ways because I need Him.

I need Him, and I know that He is faithful.

He is everything I need.

He is everything you need.

If this is what it takes to live life on my knees in prayer, to need God for every step I take, to know God more intimately than ever before then I don't want to be anything BUT a total & complete mess every day of my life.

2 million orphans, and I live a life of luxury.

The orphanage where I will be spending the summer is now home to two more little girls, Brenda & Esther. They are sisters who were brought out of heartbreaking circumstances. Their mother had abandoned them and left their father to care for the girls. Brenda & Esther were left alone during the day while their father went out in search of work, and at night the girls and their father all slept on a single mat on the dirt floor of their tiny, one-room home. The girls' bellies are distended from malnutrition. To get water, the girls had to walk a narrow trail through fields & forrest to a small hole full of statgnant, muddy water where they filled 2 fuel cans with the water and carried them back down the trail. Brenda, 5-years-old, carried both water cans because her 4-year-old sister, Esther, is too weak to carry the second.

So many things are wrong with this! These little girls are 4 & 5 years old. They should be in school, not hiking to get water, wondering when they will eat next, and being left alone with no one to watch over them. Young girls get raped all too often in Uganda walking to get water on their own. And what kind of things are swimming in that water waiting to infect those girls' little bodies?

Praise God that these little girls were taken in by Rafiki Ministries! But what about all the other children who suffer this same plight? There are over 2 million orphans in the city of Kampala alone - 2 million precious faces with no one to love them, no one to provide for them, left to face the world on their own. More than 26,000 children died today due to starvation or a preventable disease - TWENTY-SIX THOUSAND kids whose bodies withered away until they couldn't take another breath. Poverty is a daily reality to more than a billion people around the world who attempt to survive on less than one dollar a day while an additional two billion live on less than two dollars each day. Less than TWO DOLLARS A DAY! And it doesn't stop there. AIDS, tuberculosis, rape, war, kidnapping, sexual slavery, religious opression, torture, terrorism, government corruption. I can't even begin to imagine all the horror that some people are faced with every day. My heart aches for the poor, orphaned, sick, windowed, enslaved, victimized, opressed, imprisioned, and lost.

The question I can't seem to escape is why them? Why Brenda and Esther? Why Elise? Why Ronald? Why Evens? Why Dilven? Why were these precious children orphaned, abandoned, beaten? Why were they the ones who saw their parents killed in an earthquake, who suffer from malnutrition every day, who are forced to wander the streets begging for food, who are infected by preventable disease with no access to medical care?

Why not me? Why not you? Why was I blessed with a loving family, a safe home, a bounty of food, a life of privilege? Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry for the blessings I have enjoyed. But I am angry that there are children all over the world who will never know the life I have, the love I have, the safety & security of having their most basic needs met.

Running at a thousand miles a minute

You know those days when you think of your to-do list and just about have a heart attack? The overwhelming anxiety that consumes you wondering how you will be able to do everything you have in front of you? That is a pretty accurate picture of my weekend. Excitement turned to anxiety as I doubted my ability to accomplish all I have to do - my first OB test, a confusion of clinical paperwork, trying to get a handle on all my financial demands, the overwhelming challenge to raise over $5000 to spend the summer in Africa, remaining bathed in prayer & scripture as a developing Christian & Bible study leader, the uncomfortable task of being asked to share my testimony before a crowd of my fellow college students, and that's the short version. I know many people can relate to how I was feeling. For many of us, our lives thrive on busyness as much as we often despise it.

My breaking point came on Saturday night. I could feel my heart rate rise, my arteries begin to constrict, and my hands start shaking as my body began to give way to the stress. I was trying to study but to no avail. My mind was all over the place. "I need to remember to email her. Oh, I forgot I have to do that this week. I really need to find time to get this done. Why won't my phone stop ringing?!...Oh goodness, I'm going to fail this test if I don't get to studying!" At this point I should've stopped to take a breath right? But me, with my super woman mentality, thought "Okay, I just need to multitask to get things done." So I turned on iTunes to pick Bible study songs for the week while I continued in my attempt to study. God could've been screaming at me, but I wouldn't stop long enough for Him to get through my thick head UNTIL I heard the first song that started playing...

"God, my God, I cry out Your beloved needs You now.
God be near. Calm my fear, and take my doubt.
Your kindness is what pulls me up.
Your love is all that draws me in.
I will lift my eyes to Maker of the mountains I can't climb.
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer of the oceans raging wild.
I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside.
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You..."

Life isn't about me, me, me. And when I try to take on the world by myself, stress & anxiety are inevitable because I CAN'T do it. But I'm not supposed to be able to do it.

The beauty of human weakness - it causes us to turn to the Lord.

God tells us in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore we should boast all the more gladly about our weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on us. That is why, for Christ's sake, we should delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties, . For when we are weak, then we are strong. (from 2 Corinthians 12:10)

So how will I be able to overcome busyness with a heart of joy? How will I be able to share the story of my failure & God's redeeming grace to a room full of people? How will I be able to serve the Lord in Africa when I don't feel equipped? How will I be able to raise the money needed to continue pursuing God's will? How will you make it through each day, no matter the challenges you face?

...By turning our eyes to God - the Maker of the mountains we can't climb, the Calmer of the oceans raging wild, the Healer of the hurts we hold inside, our Creator, our Father, our King.

Refine this wellspring

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do comes from it."
Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

Guilt. Something I am well acquainted with. Guilt has inhabited my heart for many years past and slowly rotted away parts of my heart. But after many tears, difficult conversations, internal warring, and more pain than I ever want to experience again, I found myself on my knees yearning to feel the love of God again. The grace that covered me in that moment was indescribable and magnificent, overwhelming in a wonderful way! I recently came to the sad realization that because I don't enjoy taking time to dwell on my wretched sin and all the hurt & heartache that comes with it, I forget the magnitude of that saving grace.

Pride. It has a sneaky way of creeping into our hearts initially unnoticed. Reading the story of the sinful woman who annointed Jesus' feet with perfume, I finally came face-to-face with the pride in my heart that I had never known was there. I remembered where God has brought me from and the restoration I have found in Him. How humbling it was to be broken of the unjustified judgement I have cast on others.

"For it is by GRACE you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God has prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:8-10

Jealousy. Something everyone deals with but no one wants to admit. Personally, it was only a few days ago that I realized what a big problem this is in my own heart. I compare myself to everyone around me - sometimes tearing myself down for not being skinny enough or pretty enough, other times building myself up for feeling intellectually superior. It's disgusting, I know. And it was a hard thing to admit to myself. Sometimes it isn't others I compare myself to; instead I am criticize myself for not measuring up to my own expectations - my looks, my character, my intellect, my work ethic, my ability as a nurse, how likeable I am. This all stems from jealousy. And jealousy stems from a discontent heart. I have let the things of this world take hold of my thoughts & become objects of my affection - physical appearance, reputation, popularity, relationships, expectations. My thoughts should always be fixed on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable, and excellent, and worthy of praise - things of God and things that bring glory to God. Those are the only things worth dwelling on because my Savior is the only thing worthy to be the object of my affection.

"I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done. I will be filled with joy because of you. I will sing praises to your name, O Most High." Psalm 9:1-2

Purging my heart of all sin & unrighteousness is difficult & uncomfortable but wonderful at the same time. The harder I pursue the Lord, the easier it is to watch everything else fall away. Being renewed & restored is part of the beauty of being a beloved child of God.

Balancing anxiety & excitement

God has been doing some wonderful things in my life lately, and although it can all seem a little overwhelming at times, it comforts me to know that God is in the midst of it all orchestrating everything.

My excitement continues to grow as I try to figure out all that I need to do for my summer in Africa. Two trips make things a little more complicated with plane tickets and finances, but I'm hoping that I can get it all figured out once our nursing group to Kenya meets soon. May seems so far away, but often I find myself thinking of Uganda, the precious kids at the orphanage, the medical clinics, and all the people I have yet to meet.

Trying to focus on the semester in front of me before jumping ahead to this summer isn't always easy, but God has begun to bring together an opportunity that I know will be amazing. Last semester God began to birth in me this idea of beginning a Bible study. That vision grew to bring together a God-seeking group of freshman girls who desire to be challenged to grow in their faith and want honest, authentic community. After some guidance from others, some doubt, much prayer, and lots of study, God has answered more prayers than just my own and brought together what I pray will be a wonderful, passionate small group studying women of the Bible.

As far as nursing goes, oh boy am I in for a crazy semester?! Last night I checked my email and, low and behold, I already have homework before the first day of classes begins. Why am I not surprised? After a few minutes of sulking, I continued reading the semester calendar and came to the realization that not only will it be a crazy busy semester but also a fantasticly exciting one! I am going to be learning about OB & pediatric nursing. I was a little alarmed, to say the least, when I saw that I only have 2 weeks of classes before I start clinicals at the hospital. How in the world am I going to know what I'm doing after only 2 weeks?! But I told myself my professors know what they're doing, and many students have done this before me.

Everything considered, I am currently trying to maintain a balance of my anxiety & excitement at what is to come. I am surprised to say that all my initial doubts & fears about everything ahead of me have been calmed by my faith that God is in control. I know that shouldn't surprise me. I'm taking it as a sign of growth and a promise that God is indeed preparing me for His plans.